I have been spinning this month. Some days I feel like that little silver ball in the pinball machine, up, down, spinning, spinning, rarely finding a moment of true solace. Thrown this way and that, manipulated into spaces that are scary.

Yesterday a wise friend I only know as The Hook told me he had a feeling that no matter how I was feeling at that moment he was certain it would be a winning month for me. It felt a lot like encouragement, and it was the proverbial kick in the ass I needed. Things have been shitty, I can’t deny that. If you have been here before you know that I have been in a battle with my husbands demons. The gloom of manic depression has cast our lives in a murky black haze. There is a lot of disquiet, sadness and despondency. It is hard for us to find our balance with a colossal cloud of contingency hanging menacingly over our heads. I miss the certainty of a smile and the warmth of laughter, I miss the feeling of being close even when we are miles a part. My husband working in another province adds another aspect which some of you may know well. Staying connected during those times has always been an undertaking but the darkness wraps that undertaking in cellophane and lathers it up with Vaseline. It is hard. It feels about as comfortable as going swimming with your high school class and realizing that you forgot to shave your legs for the entire winter.

I put a valiant effort into trying to stay positive but when times are tough I struggle along like the best of you and even though I pride myself on trudging through and showing up everyday this morning I was faced with the realization that some days I don’t know the person who is showing up for me.

I have this habit of putting others needs and feelings ahead of my own, and changing my behavior based on what I think they need. Everyday I was sending my ambassador out into the world to speak and act for me. There is absolutely no way to win at life by doing that. I know it and I would be the first to pass that advice along to someone else. Everyday I hear my own words of wisdom, the advice I have shared with friends and loved ones, my experiences rolling through my mind on replay but I always answer them with a “but…”

NOT TODAY!!

TODAY I showed up! Today is all me. The very best thing I can do for myself and therefore everyone who depends on me is to be myself today and always.

I was listening to a song this morning called “Not Going To Be Afraid” It is by the fantastic Canadian rock band Finger 11. I am drawing from a recollection that may possibly have been tainted by too many cocktails but if I am recalling correctly they told me that the song was written in the aftermath of their longtime drummer Rich leaving the band and their struggle to move on from that, to go forward with uncertainty, to work through the discomfort and unfamiliarity to get to a place that was all new and to find a way to be themselves in that space and not be afraid. This is a great group of guys that have been together since high school so moving on was bound to stir up some uneasiness. They did it, they showed up, they didn’t try to be something they weren’t. They were just themselves, even knowing that the Finger 11 they had always known was now different they found a place of comfort in their discomfort and they faced every wall of  fear and doubt and knocked it down. In doing so they created their newest album Five Crooked Lines. I have been listening to these guys for many years, since they were playing the bar circuit in Ontario as Rainbow Butt Monkeys. I can say this of the new album; it still has elements of their unmistakable sound but it is different somehow, as are they. There is a wisdom and maturity that happens as we naturally evolve, as long as we can find the courage to be ourselves. That is the only way to win. They have succeeded. That conversation I had in a bar with these exceptionally talented and honest guys really resonated with me. I think everyone can learn from their experience. It doesn’t matter who you are, uncertainty is scary. We all struggle to move forward through fear and be brave when the voices of hesitation and distrust are the voices screaming the loudest in our ear. It is easy to get lost trying to be someone else. The best we can do in any situation is be ourselves, shine with our own light in the unpredictable darkness.

I have many wise friends, but a handful of really  genuine ones that are so full of grace and goodness they inspire me to be better. I admitted to one last week that everything felt odd and I didn’t know how to act. She said “Why would you act? Be who you are, don’t change a thing. God gave you this man for you to love and you just keep loving him and being yourself.” My husband himself has told me that the best thing I can do for him during times of struggle is to be myself and to love myself a little bit more than I love him.

We are more than the sum of our fears. We are the valiant and lion-hearted! The only way we can tap into our true strength is to be our true selves. Be W.I.S.E. friends and keep showing up!