It’s just another midnight walking through the shadows of my mind, sifting through memories and collecting my strength. There is something about the midnight hour, the moonlight, that makes me feel comforted and safe. Sometimes life seems cold and unfair but these are opportunities to be our true selves and hold unto the things that are legitimately necessary.
A week ago my boss handed me a pink journal and she said “You haven’t been writing. You always write. I notice. Write something, anything, a note, a poem, swear words. You will feel better!”
It’s nice the little ways that people show you they care. It is nice to know that when the clouds get dark there are people with umbrellas who don’t want you to get wet.
It rained that day. All the best and the and the worst days do. I walked outside and the rain was so cold against my skin that the last thing I felt like doing was dancing. It wasn’t that type of rain, the dancing kind. It was the tortuous, mocking kind that comes when your life is falling apart and mine indeed felt like it was. I stood there collecting myself by my truck and I struck the warrior pose in that cold fucking rain. Only seconds passed but in those seconds I knew that I was going to be OK. I am a warrior and I may scream, cry and fall down but dammit I always give everything I have and I always get back up.
Fast forward a week later. I woke to snow and optimism. The day didn’t end as I planned. My life is not going anywhere near according to plan. Plans don’t always go according to plan. So now what?
A couple days later the sun is shining and though my life seems to be a huge unanswered question I feel encouraged in knowing that often when we think things are falling a part they are really falling into place.
I looked back on my W.I.S.E. Principles for October which were whole, involved, spirit and engaged. Without a doubt in my mind I can say that I put my whole heart into my life, I injected my spirit into everything I did. I was involved and fully engaged. I showed up every damn day even when it was incredibly hard.
Sometimes things will still fall apart despite your best efforts. In my case I have been fighting the demons of depression for several years now and though I never once gave up this is one of those battles I cannot fight alone. They are not my demons, I hate them like they are but they do not belong to me.
The days to come already feel overwhelming. That is what happens when we get ahead of ourselves, when we don’t live in the moment. There are feelings I would love to fast forward through but unfortunately we can’t skip over pain. My pain is my proof that it all matters, that it is real. In the hurt and loss and torment I will one day find a lesson that will make me stronger and I already know that the most important things in life can’t be taken from me. Life moves and changes so fast that you have to keep moving with it or get horribly lost in the shuffle.
I don’t do well in times of uncertainty so I am trying to focus on the certainties of the near future so I made a list of things I can be sure of:
1. A lot of people will see me with red rimmed eyes and smudged mascara and wonder if I am on drugs.
2. I will say things I don’t mean and immediately regret it and a short while later say things I don’t mean.
3. I will cycle frequently between laughing and crying
4. I will either eat a lot or nothing at all.
5. I will equally love and hate 80s love ballads.
6. I will struggle between being my authentic self and being the person who I think is needed right now.
7. I will try to focus on the things I can control like brushing my teeth, combing my hair, making sure that my pants are not inside out and backwards.
8. An episode of Bob Ross painting will always calm me down.
9. No matter what life serves me it will be better if I melt cheese on it.
10. Though it is possible to laugh or dance yourself to death nobody has died from crying.
Novembers W.I.S.E. principles are Winning, Intention, Smart and Efficient. I have been working on these essentially for the last eleven months of this project. To have a “Winning” life I have to live with intention, my intention is to seek happiness and joy and to do that I have to choose it every second of every day, even when it is hard. When dark clouds are sitting over my head I need to stay in the gratitude line and find reasons to be thankful. That is the smart and efficient way to live. More gratitude, less worry. I got this and so do you.
If you are anything like me there will be times that it is difficult to find your comfort in the discomfort. These times can make or break you. These are the times to focus on the things that are certain in your life. Besides death and taxes what are the things you know to be a certainty in your life?
When everyone is lined up in the complaint line for hours waiting to growl and whine about how unfair life is, never deviate from the gratitude line. Be gracious and thankful for your many blessings. When you are faced with difficult times, be yourself, don’t let the world change you, don’t let how people treat you change you. Be your authentic self and that will always be your salvation. When crisis hits and you are left to sift through the wreckage of your life you will find that when everything falls away the important things will remain. We spend our lives gathering what we need, our true friends, our family, our wisdom, our strength. That is why when you push the rubble aside you will find that you still have everything you need to survive.
Be W.I.S.E. friends. This is the 11th month of the W.I.S.E. project. Lets make it a WINNING month!
“I realized, through it all, that…in the midst of winter, I found there was within me, an invincible summer and that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me there’s something stronger, something better, pushing right back.”