They say butterflies don’t know they are beautiful because they cannot see their wings and that often people are the same, that others see in them things they cannot see. If you are beautiful on the inside that will always show on the outside, to the people that matter anyway. I dedicate this post to my old friend Tanya who is in the throes of one of life’s most difficult journey’s. At the moment she is in a protective cocoon but man when she emerges, I foresee beautiful things for her.
A song on the radio snapped me to attention the other day, I had one of those moments as the song opened to the familiar crooning of the talented Mr. Jim Cuddy, “strange and beautiful are the stars tonight…” from Blue Rodeo’s Lost Together; that you never forget.
I was flooded with intense emotion as I imagined Kirk walking across the garage to give me his hand and when I took it he would pull me into his arms to dance. It never much mattered whether it was just the two of us or twenty people were in the garage, there are certain songs that no matter what the circumstance was, we would dance. The moment left me a bit shook, one moment I was laughing and feeling as light as air and the next second there were hot tears springing from my eyes but before the tears reached the middle of my cheek a box of screws fell, seemingly from midair, sailed across the counter and landed in front of me. My friend chuckled and said “He is here”
They say we are lost till we are found, (whoever they are anyway), and in the span of a moment in time, I was both lost and found again. There are constant reminders for me that death has not ended the love I share with Kirk, and reminders that feel like permission and encouragement to find my wings, to take that breath, and like the phoenix; rise.
Dimes have been literally appearing out of nowhere at a rate that seems almost uncanny. My daughter was making a sandwich tonight and one fell out of midair and landed at her feet.
Whether you are religious or not the serenity prayer which says, “Lord grant me the strength to change the things I can, the courage to accept the things I can’t and the wisdom to know the difference.” is a critical reminder that accepting that which we cannot change, is the only way to move forward.
There are times in our lives that we will all feel a little lost and I think it is essential to know that sometimes we all are. Nobody has it all figured out, nobody is untouched by struggle and nobody is up all the time.
I had a couple situations in the last several weeks where I allowed people to get the better of me, making me question myself and my worthiness and whether I was enough. I found myself in the anguish of wondering how people see me and why someone would treat me as if I was less than them. Those are sad moments indeed when we find ourselves standing on the outside of a situation, hustling for our worthiness when we know damn well that nobody has the power to determine our worth. A person eager to stand in judgment of another already questions their own worthiness so we should never give them control of ours.
We need to stop spending so much time giving a fuck what people think of us. Every single person that we meet will have a different view of us and they can only see us and know us and love us to the level that they also see and know and love themselves. The magic happens when we love ourselves so much that other people’s opinions do not hold power over us. In times of fear, shame, and inadequacy we need to select our thoughts the way we select our clothes in the morning. Don’t pick the self-depreciating, judgemental thoughts and follow them down into the perpetual abyss.
We are all born whole and worthy. We are born enough.
Let people evaluate and undervalue you, let them speak untruths about you, their opinions are not your problem. You be you. Be kind, bound to love and committed to your beautiful authenticity. Speak out, speak up, be vulnerable, but never live in fear of shining too bright or doubting your worthiness.
I read a quote today that went something like this
“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.”
Life is a journey, not a destination. Your journey is your journey and your struggles and challenges have the power to bring out your true potential if you allow and if you have the guts to say firmly to anyone who dares tell you how to travel your path,
“This is my journey. I’ll do it my way”
We will all find ourselves at that intersection in life where everything is literally falling apart around us, but, if we pay close attention we can see that at the same time things are coming together, life is funny like that.
We need to stop subscribing to the idea that we will be enough when we lose ten pounds, get a promotion, get a partner and get our proverbial shit together.
WE ARE ENOUGH NOW.
Sometimes I find myself spiraling in fear and feeling all alone and I am always reminded of a story my mom told me about one time after my dad passed away she was in town paying bills and decided to have dinner at her favorite Chinese restaurant. She said there was a little girl with her mother at the next table and the little girl pointed at her and asked her mother why the lady was all alone. I remember how terrible that story made me feel but how badass I thought my mom was because goddammit she just wanted some Chinese food and she was worth it. She didn’t need anyone to accompany her to make her worthy of eating a meal.
People spend years in relationships that make them miserable and lonely but somehow we have been led to believe that on our own we are just not enough. We spend way to much time looking to others to validate us and make us feel worthy.
I have been thinking about this a lot and this weekend I took myself to the theatre. I had an extra ticket and my plans changed a couple of times and I decided that I needed to go by myself. I felt like it was something that I wanted to do. I strolled down the street in these amazing high heels and a fabulous wine-colored dress that matched my knockout lipstick and I felt every bit as badass as I thought my mom was for eating her Chinese food and enjoying her own company. I even had the audacity to throw my arms up in the air and feel the sunshine on my face and love myself, my tenacity and my vibrant city.
I sat in the Cabaret section of the theatre which was swarming with couples and there wasn’t a second that I felt alone or like I didn’t belong. The show was fabulous, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I strolled out of the theatre and down the sidewalk of my incredible city in my sexy stiletto heels feeling phenomenal. I stopped at the Art Gallery and as I was sitting on the steps I took a couple selfies which I thought captured exactly how I was feeling in that moment and thought how we are all just magical, unique works of art, no two of us exactly the same and yet so remarkable in our differences.
I awoke to Mothers day and probably one of the hardest days I have faced since my husband has been gone. I felt none of the previous nights fierce independence and in it’s place I felt immense sadness and I felt alone and afraid. The woman that strolled down the street with her head high the night before was buried in blackness. Those feelings plagued my thoughts and attacked all of my insecurities and I felt myself following those down the dark rabbit hole.
Grief is a strange and ferocious beast.
I didn’t want to feel any of it and the intensity frightened me and left me exhausted. I curled up in a ball and wanted desperately to surrender to all of it and just lay there and let the hours of Mother’s Day tick tick away.
I kept hearing this nagging voice, louder than the other ones that mocked me and told me shitty stuff. It sounded like Kirk’s and it kept saying “Get up, you are a warrior.”
I am happy to say I did get up. I shook it off. I cried and then I cooked a big dinner and ate too many whipped potatoes and too much bread.
This morning when I picked out my clothes for the day I was also careful to pick out my thoughts and they all said, “Hey badass, you are a warrior, you got this, go kick the ass off this day.”