Tag: sex

Baby, I love your way – Wise Project 2019 #NakedTuesday

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Our craving to be deeply seen
Is often eclipsed by our fears
of being genuinely witnessed…
with all of our invisible stains
and rooted soul blemishes;
to be wrapped in the embrace
of purely humbled affection
both tenuous and rare
is something we quietly desire
without having the courage
to ask for it, receive it, or give
it to others…

~Michelle DeBay

 

I promised a piece on intimacy this week and it has been a little tougher than I thought. Everyone has different ideas about what intimacy means to them and most people relate it to their romantic relationships. Being single, I believe I am able to see a less narrow definition of intimacy, one that is reserved just for romantic relationships, but one that if also often missing from romantic relations.

I believe that one of our deepest desires is to be truly seen and understood, void of judgement. Though we desire this, I also believe it is one of our greatest fears. Even those that shine the brightest lights have dimly lit corners that we they do not allow just anyone to see. We have cravings, wants and aspirations that we estimate we will be judged for so we keep those parts of us hidden.

To achieve complete intimacy in any relationship we have to be willing to trust that we will be loved and accepted for who we are and all of who we are. For our humanness, our flaws and all of the things that make us beautiful. Allowing anyone to see those parts of ourselves, despite any initial apprehension is what creates and builds intimacy.

Though our modern society has managed to somewhat separate sex from intimacy, admitting that intimacy involves both emotional and physical connection and vulnerability, we are often still guilty of confusing the two and end up feeling that horrible feeling of betrayal when we fail to satisfy our desire for intimacy with sex, leading to hurt, confusion and questioning our worthiness. This cycle on repeat can leave us feeling consumed, exhausted and depleted.

In any relationship, intimacy creates better and stronger connections. In a romantic relationship it can be the difference between a good and a great relationship. My friend Charmaine said that to her it’s the freedom to explore one another physically and emotionally without judgement. The comfort to be herself without hesitation. To look into her partners eyes and feel safe. I wonder how many people can boast having that in their romantic relationships. Being able to be themselves and be confident that they are enough at all times; free to desire and want and need and express and explore all of it without shame or fear of judgement. Studies show that about 20 percent of marriages are sexless and 43 percent of women and 31% of men (reported…believed to be much higher) experience some sort of sexual dysfunction. I believe it is safe to say that when intimacy is absent, problems become magnified.

I was with my late husband for 20 years and in the beginning things were tumultuous as we struggled to grow as individuals while remaining rooted together, raising a family and hiding our fears and insecurities. If I am honest it wasn’t until the last couple years of our relationship that we found a place of complete intimacy and unconditional love. It was scary for both of us and it meant seeing and being seen without judgement, it meant no blaming or shaming and to always, in any situation, approach the other with love before automatically arbitrating. There were times in our relationship that we were dishonest, we told white lies or untruths and the reason being is we feared the judgment and shame that would arise so it became easier to eliminate certain things from our conversations or to shave little bits off of the truth to make it fit into a pretty box. I am glad that Kirk and I were able to find that place and I know it will help me in all of my relationships going forward. I can recall in the last couple of years of his life having moments that I felt so close to him, that we were somehow connected by invisible bonds yet still felt free. In glimpsing back on those moments I feel amazingly proud that we were able to fight our own fears to get to that place, I can assure you it was not easy.

I have discovered that being yourself is way less scary than having people in your life that do not see you and that you fear you would lose if they really knew you. The greatest revolution is in being yourself and realizing that not everyone is meant to be in your life forever, but the right ones will stay and no matter where they are in the world you will know that a part of them is always with you, and cheering you on, no matter what fucked up thing you just did or said or admitted to.

When someone makes you feel safe and seen and whole and worthy, no matter what, that is intimacy. Not everyone is able to achieve true intimacy and we really need to look inside of ourselves and stare down our own demons. If we fear not being loved for who we truly are, would we really want to be in a relationship with that person? Fears are not always reality, but we create our reality.

I have fears and insecurities, we all do. I work hard on them and at this point in my life I am only interested in investing in people that genuinely care about me for who I am. I do not care about the latest fads or being in the cool club, for me the coolest club is one that you feel like you belong at all times.

In the last several years of my life my experiences have lead me to believe that intimacy is not a passing whim, it is a deep psychological need. Learning to get that need met, in a healthy way in nourishing relationships is a step in the right direction to a meaningful life and happiness in the here and now.

When we connect in an authentic way, from a place of love and vulnerability, we can create magic!

~Michelle DeBay

 

 

 

Sex and Candy -Wise Project 2018 #TenaciousTuesday

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“Desire is the kind of thing that
eats you
and
leaves you starving.”
― Nayyirah Waheed

When we refer to someone as being sensual we often think of someone as having a passion for physical pleasures, namely sexual ones, however, sensuality can go much deeper than that, encompassing the ability to fully awaken one’s senses using smell, touch, sight, hearing, and feeling . This can awaken desires in the body and influence sexual connection in numerous ways, as well as contributing to an overall sense of well being and an appetite for life.

Music, dance, art, cooking…all of these things can be sensual.

SEX can, and should be sensual.

We are living in a time where being busy is viewed as a measure of self worth and we have an increasing need to prove our relevance through our use of social media. We are actively connected while becoming progressively disconnected from other things that truly matter like our families, our bodies, our partners and our pleasure.

Desire does not start in the bedroom.

Desire is a sense of longing, wanting, a craving even. As humans when we desire something or someone our sense of excitement is heightened over the very thought of that person or thing. Desire can be immediate or it can escalate over time. I believe desire drives the energy behind our sensual manifestations. The ache and hunger resulting from desire connects the dots to our sensuality, blending the two into a beautiful union.

Our desires can often seem frivolous, wrought with feelings of unworthiness, shame or even fear. Those emotions manifest in our bodies making us feel burdened and disconnected with our sensual selves. This can be confusing, in regards to sex and other areas of our lives where we might feel unsettled.

We all have different relationships to desire, some of us feeling like pleasure is our birthright and others feeling like it is shameful and indulgent. Our enjoyment of anything, whether it is the sweetness of candy on our lips, intimate flirtation or sex is dependent upon how we identify with that thing, and ourselves.

Example 1).

I want a cupcake. I really really want a cupcake, I can picture it in my mind, and it is an oversize white confetti cupcake with vanilla icing and sprinkles, my mouth waters when I imagine biting into it. I believe I deserve a treat and I cannot wait to relish in every decadent bite of that cupcake. When I finally bite into the cupcake it tastes like angels made it and sent it down from heaven. It leaves me feeling fulfilled. I feel good about treating my body as it takes good care of me.

Example 2).

I want a cupcake; I picture it as the most beautiful thing ever, a white confetti cupcake with soft vanilla flavored icing topped with sprinkles. I can’t stop thinking about it and my appetite for it cannot be quenched by imagination alone. The thought of the cupcake drives me to distraction and when I finally get it into my mouth the first bite tastes like disappointment and shame. I hear those mean girls in grade five who taunt me and tell me I am fat, and I recall those all too tight jeans that my parents wouldn’t replace because they said I was growing too fast and I was forced to squeeze into them with my belly hanging over the waist band. My desire for that cupcake represents my humiliation. I throw it in the garbage and wipe the embarrassment off my lips. My pants now hang off my body, my once womanly curves have given way to a thinner, more delicate frame, some may say I border on emaciated.

The above examples represent different relationships to food and to our bodies; it can be assumed that the individual’s relationships to sexuality differ as well due to their distinct relationships with their bodies.

There is power in our wants and needs, in satisfying our desires in a healthy way, whether they are for sex, food or fulfillment. We do not have to satisfy all of our desires of course but what if we are able to realize them, see how they feel in our bodies, and be aware of our responses to them.

As we grow and change from children into young adults we become abundantly aware of perceptions and how society views certain things, especially ourselves and our bodies. We feel the pressure to look, dress and act a certain way, to be perceived as smart, powerful or sexy. This can lead us to feeling a huge disconnect with who we really are. When we are lot aligned with all of the things that make us unique, who are we really? This disconnect, when mixed with the shame, fears and traumas we have dragged around since childhood, or picked up a long the way can lead to further confusion and doubt. We are constantly looking outside of ourselves for approval. When we neglect to look inward to see what our needs are, what resonates with who we are and what we want and how we want to show up in the world we often get it all wrong.

Men and women enter into adulthood carrying a lot of shame surrounding themselves as sexual beings. The reason could be as simple as the way they were talked to about sex and how it was portrayed to them. Often parents use fear as a tactic to keep their adolescents from engaging in sex and that alone can have real and lasting consequences. When we are taught that sex is bad, and we give in to our desire for it anyway, we still have sex but our pleasure is limited or perhaps non existent. We may have had sexual experiences where we felt clumsy and embarrassed or were made to feel undesirable and that can show up in the way that we view sex and desire until we are ready to heal that. Sexual assault statistics are staggering, one in three women and one in six men will experience some form of sexual violence in their lifetimes and that can have tremendously damaging effects on sex lives when that trauma is not healed. When that thing that is supposed to bring you immense pleasure is used to hurt you, all future encounters can be painful and complicated. Just last week I saw a story about a rape case in Ireland where a teenage girl’s thong was entered into evidence. We should be horrified beyond words by this. To associate any article of clothing as an excuse for rape is appalling. I myself enjoy sexy underthings, it makes me feel good; sexy and powerful. I feel comfortable in my own skin. It doesn’t matter that I am the only one that is going to see them throughout the day, I feel good in them and I embrace that. Rape is not about desire, sensuality, or love and it has very little to do with sex. Rape is about power over another person. The shame that surrounds sexual assaults can impact us over an entire lifetime, causing us to become so detached from our own bodies and disengaged from desire, sensuality and pleasure that sometimes we just go through the motions.

“Desire makes life happen. Makes it matter. Makes everything worth it. Desire is life. Hunger to see the next sunrise or sunset, to touch the one you love, to try again.

‘Hell would be waking up and wanting nothing,’ he agrees.”
― Karen Marie Moning, Shadowfever

Pleasure is our birthright.

We know this but it is not enough to just know.

Do you know what it feels like to actually embody your body?

Because of beliefs that were impressed upon us from pre-birth onwards we are often under the assumption that sensuality and sexuality are things that we do, not things that we are. Knowing of course is only half the battle, to get curious about ourselves and our bodies, to expand and to be, can sometimes lead to further discouragement because what we believe to be true from years of conditioning may not feel right in our bodies anymore. We have years of outdated beliefs and ideals embedded deep in our consciousness and many more hidden in our unconscious. Challenging them may bring up some discomfort. That is OK. Change is not always comfortable.

This post is an invitation to fully step back into your body and to experience maximum pleasure, to heal your traumas, to expand your erotic knowledge and to embrace your desires.

Fully embracing your sensual self is not just a task for those partnered up. To not only recognize your need and want for pleasure but accept your right to it is a creative endeavor for anyone with a body. Get curious about yourself.

Are you talking to your partner about sex? Are you expressing your wants and your deepest desires? Are you communicating what you like and what you don’t like? Are you have mind-blowing sex?

We cannot expect our partners to be mind readers. In a committed relationship, sex is an expression of our love for one another and communication is an extension of that love. If you are in a non monogamous relationship and you are not seeking to experience the maximum amount of pleasure and fulfill your deepest desires…what are you doing???

We are all individuals; we have our own set of beliefs, wants, needs and pleasure centers. If we expect to get the maximum amount of pleasure out of anything we do, we need to get curious. The current will carry you where you want to go but you have to stop trying to row up stream. (Stop resisting your wants and needs)

In the entire universe there exists only one thing that you can control. That thing, that amazing human being is you and you are a vast universe within yourself, an infinite sea of passions, experiences and recollections. In any given moment you have an unlimited set of choices. Consider getting to know you, all of you, as a person, a divine being and a sensual being full of love, wants, needs, desires, and an unrivaled capacity for pleasure.

What is it your mind, body and soul are craving? Give it that. If it is sex and candy enjoy the sweetness of it all, with no shame.

“There is no fulfillment that is not made sweeter for the prolonging of desire”
― Jacqueline Carey, Kushiel’s Dart

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Let’s talk about sex baby! Wise Project 2018 #TenaciousTuesday

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“We are no guiltier in following the primitive impulses that govern us than is the Nile for her floods or the sea for her waves.”
― Marquis de Sade, Aline et Valcour

I have spent the last week predominantly in comfy clothes (some might call them pajamas) with no make-up and hair piled on top of my head, alternating between Netflix and sweeping dog hair off the floors. It has been an extremely relaxing week off work to say the least. On Sunday I slept late, and during my last hour in dreamland I had convinced myself that I had written this amazing blog post for Tenacious Tuesday, that it was fabulous as well as scheduled to be published first thing this morning. In the Tim Horton’s drive thru I realized that it had been a dream and I searched my brain to recall what it was I had written about in my dream that I was so excited about. Somewhere between scoffing down a horribly burnt medium black coffee and a bagel belt which was weirdly missing the lettuce and tomato, so basically just a bagel be; I totally lost any recollection of the awesomeness I had intended.

I usually do not stress about my Tuesday post; the universe always has my back and a topic always pops in my head at the last minute. Instead of stressing out I indulged in Season 2 of Ozark and I have to say the writers on this show are fucking brilliant. Helen, the lawyer on this season of Ozark has the best one liners and though you recognize that she is appropriately pleasant when the occasion calls for it, you never for one second doubt that she would cut you in pieces and put you in a wood chipper and finish the day off with a nice 18 year single malt scotch without even batting an eye if that is what was needed. Even knowing that, the writers have managed to make her somewhat likeable.

“Hey Helen with the slicked back hair, pale face, black cherry lipstick and charcoal grey pantsuits, I get you. Your composed ruthlessness and ambiguous half smile are kind of sexy in a bit of an alarming way.”

It is stunning to me what a room full of good writers can pull off but alas even this line “It’s the first law of power Marty, those who can; shit on others, those who can’t clean it up!”, did not trigger a topic for me to write about.

I made dinner, watched Haley have a first day of grade nine eve dance party, talked to Morgan about heartbreak, spoke with a friend about exes and then it was an article about a couple in China that went to the doctor after failing to conceive a baby for four years in which the woman had been enduring painful sex, only to find that they had been having ONLY anal sex for four years and that the woman was still a virgin that I yelled “AY CARUMBA” in a loud yet somewhat sexy Spanish accent sounding like a cross between an intoxicated Sofía Vergara and an angry Eva Longoria that I decided to talk about my favorite subject in the entire world ‘SEX’.

So, even though those badasses Salt N Pepa said it said it first, “Let’s talk about sex baby!”

Sex has always been a fascinating topic to me, it astounds me that people are having a lot of sex yet not talking about it and some people are not having a lot of sex and still not talking about it. I have always been extremely open in talking about sex with my children. Ultimately it is something that they are going to do at some point, and I hope that when they choose to have sex that it is safe and meaningful and I also want them to know that it is supposed to feel good for both partners.

The “Me Too” movement has opened up a lot of dialogue surrounding consent, respect and responsibility in regards to sex, however, I know that there are a lot of situations that those engaged in having sex do not actually feel comfortable enough to speak up when things do not feel right, or to ask for consent. I am not a prude at all when it comes to sex, though I do think at the very least a prerequisite for having sex with someone should be feeling comfortable enough to talk about what is happening and whether it is OK with both partners (or all partners, who am I to judge?)

SEX IS EVERYWHERE

In our culture sex is used to attract and distract, entertain, allure and sell. Though we have all been guilty of constant concern and petty gossip surrounding the sex lives of others, studies suggest that partners are not able to talk to each other openly about their own sex lives. Astoundingly, this is not an issue that is reserved for youth or couples in new relationships, couples in long term relationships and those who have been married for decades have a difficult time not only talking about sex but communicating their wants and needs.

If you have spent any time with me at all you may have heard me say that sex is like pizza, “When it’s good, it’s really good and when it’s bad, it’s still pizza and you will have a second slice!”

That is actually complete bullshit, it is 2018 and there is no reason for us to be having anything but fantastic sex and damn good pizza. I like all sorts of pizza but my favorite is thin crust veggie pizza and I am not afraid to tell Pizza Hut how I like it.

Remember during the Clinton scandal when Barbara Bush said Clinton lied because a man never forgets a blow job, even a shitty one? I think if we are going to make memories they should be memorable for all the right reasons. Almost as good as great sex is our recollection of it later.

If you choose to have sex it should always feel indulgent, but not like that extra cookie before bed because sex is actually good for your physical and emotional health in many surprising ways. It should feel indulgent like an extra scoop of french vanilla ice cream on your pumpkin pie, minus the guilt but double the satisfaction.

You don’t go to Fatburger for the garden salad, if you are in, be all in!

Sex should be empowering but should never be used to wield power over your partner or to shame, blame or hurt.

Sex and death remain two of the top subjects that people have the most difficulty talking about and understandably so, even those that believe in heaven are in no hurry to race to the pearly gates, but people seem to want more and more sex yet are less and less willing to have honest conversations about it.

I guess in a way, talking candidly about sex may present opportunities for embarrassment or ridicule but that has never been my experience, either in talking with my late husband and/or friends. I find it surprising how openly people can talk about sex when they feel like they are in a safe place of non-judgement yet for some reason they are not always in that place of comfort with their sexual partners. Without that level of comfort they fail to reveal their secret desires as well as their likes and dislikes and therefore sex can quickly become stale, almost as exciting as folding laundry. We will do it because when all the baskets are full we have to but we are not doing it as often as we should and we are not feeling fulfilled.

Intimacy was a huge part of my marriage and for that I am thankful. My late husband and I were together for twenty years and sex was not an issue for us though we did struggle through those early years with babies and full time jobs when sometimes the promise of extra sleep was a bit more alluring than a midnight romp. I realized quite quickly that good sex doesn’t have to take a long time and nothing makes you sleep better than the big “O”

I remember the one and only time that my late husband turned me down for sex saying he was too tired, I remember everything about how that made me feel, I even remember details of that day because I had changed our bedroom around and our bed was in a different location. I was so sullen, and it made me feel hurt and unwanted. We were having problems in our marriage that were not related to sex, in fact, with the stress of children and full time jobs we had almost lost our ability to communicate and if it were not for sex we may have completely lost our connection to one another. I believe that sex between lovers can be a language all on its own and if we are not able to effectively communicate, problems arise. There are times in our intimate relationships that we will inevitably face challenges, sex shouldn’t be one of them but it is right up there with finances and can cause the same degree of stress and discontent if left unattended.

I read a really interesting article relating to the impact that sexual rejection has on relationships and what was really interesting to me is that if women were the initiator’s of sex and were turned down they felt justified in their hurt and frustration but failed to see the same effect when they said no to their male partners because of the belief that the male need and want for sex is largely desire based and for females it is believed to be emotionally centered. Interestingly enough though; men experience the same amount of hurt and negative emotions when their sexual affections are dismissed, often affecting their confidence, ego and desire for their partners.

Sex is a wonderful expression of love between partners but sex and love can also be very separate things. They are not mutually exclusive and the outdated idea that it is supposed to be touching for the woman and gratifying for the man and that men should always initiate sex are things that I was never told by my mother during that awkward conversation about sex that we had all those years ago while sitting in my teenage bedroom surrounded by Jon Bon Jovi posters, yet they are things I spent a great deal of time believing nonetheless.

Intimate love and sex go hand in hand, I believe that to be true, but I also believe that there are people having great sex without love and commitment and though I think that is wonderful for them I think that there is an important distinction that should be made when entering into sexual relationships, sex is a beautiful and healthy way to express and celebrate the love we have for another person but sex does not guarantee that someone will love us. I think this is an important discernment for all sexually active individuals. In healthy relationships, whether they are committed or not, sex should not be used as a commodity.

Everyone has their own opinions about sex, intimacy and its importance in relationships and the great thing is that none of us are wrong in our personal opinions but i believe that both partners views about sex, the importance of, and the frequency of should be considered, and even in the most casual of sexual relationships; safety, comfort and pleasure should always be priorities. If sex is on the menu, serve it right!

Our sex lives are heavily shaped by culture, perception and expectations, some of what we know or have come to expect is clouded by Harlequin romances or better yet porn, both are for entertainment, not education. The best way to know what your partner is turned on by is to ask them because nine out of ten times Fabio hair and fisting is not it.

I encourage you all to be tenacious this Tuesday and initiate a conversation with your significant other about sex. I wish you good luck and great sex.

“The sexual embrace can only be compared with music and with prayer.”

~Marcus Aurelius

Much Ado About Nothing

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I remember a day not very long ago that my goal was to get to 5000 views on my blog. After 5000 I wanted to get to 7000….it is good to have goals right?!

I used to blog everyday but I am spending time writing a book, a project I started long ago and never had the courage to finish. I don’t want to force out a post everyday writing about my problems and posting pictures of my breakfast so I have gone down to posting about once a week (or less…shrugs sheepishly!”)

So without any fanfare, confetti, sparkling lights or applause, this weekend I am proud to say that I surpassed 10, 000 views on my blog. It is a milestone for me and I want to thank each and every one of you who have taken the  time to visit my blog, to comment, to retweet me @ 1000acreheart, to follow me on instagram @ michd74.

I started my blog as an outlet to talk about having a child at the tender age of 16 and giving him up for adoption. The loss and heartache I suffered and the great joy it brought to my life to be reunited with him many years later. As much as it was an outlet for me to explore my feelings and to offer myself closure and forgiveness I was hoping that maybe I could help someone else who was maybe struggling with the same feelings or decisions. The feedback I got has been nothing short of amazing. I learned a lot about myself on this journey and I learned that everyone has a remarkable story to tell. Sometimes our weakness lies not in having fears but in admitting that we are scared or hurting and taking the necessary steps to fix ourselves. For me it was simply acceptance. Accepting that I was exactly where I was supposed to be and though I couldn’t change the past  I needed to be grateful and excited for the present and  very enthusiastic about the future. I have every reason to be. If you are interested and have not read the Thousand Acre Heart Series starts HERE

The way my blog has connected me to people all over the world, funny, smart, intriguing people has been such a pleasure. I really do get joy from talking to you, reading about you and I love it when you leave comments. Comments are validating for a writer, or at least they are for me. Perhaps that makes me a NEEDY writer. I have enjoyed writing about my experiences as a mother, a wife and a friend. Being honest, funny and daring. Being myself entirely. I also have enjoyed your feedback on my fictitious works!

I am getting closer and closer to the big 4-0 everyday (January 15 if you want to send presents) and in that time I have gained some wisdom that I would like to share with you today in celebration of over 10, 000 views in over 55 countries.

1. You can’t have a rational argument with a teenager, they know everything and you are stupid. The only thing you can hope for is that one day they will have their own ungrateful, entitled know-it-all’s and maybe they will feel so bad that they will get you really good Christmas presents.

2. There is a reason why an Esthetician exists. Have you ever had a Brazilian wax? Perhaps you just wanted to surprise your husband on his 40th Birthday which also happened to be Halloween so you were pressed for time!! Ladies’ in the house I am holding up the proverbial Stop sign!! Waxing your feminine fun parts is a delicate matter that should not be done in hurry. If I were to make a video about this experience it would star Sweet Brown saying “Oh Lord it’s a fire!”

3. In reference to the above, don’t spend hours in Hallmark looking for the perfect card for your guy. They don’t care. If you are going to spend time anywhere contemplating what to get your special someone make it the liquor store or adult superstore. They want booze and sex that they don’t have to work for…the dirtier the better.

4. Your mother really did know everything! Isn’t that a kick in the pants?You should have listened!!

5. Do you crave a good argument? Don’t be so concerned with getting the last word. Sometimes we get so focused on winning the argument that we say stupid shit we can’t take back. Sometimes silence really is golden.

6. If you think you are punishing your guy with the silent treatment, think again!!

7. If you spend all of your time looking forward or back you will lose sight of everything in front of you. You can’t store sleep, time, yesterday or tomorrows. Say it now, do it now, live today!

8. Tomatoes are good and good for you. I really just don’t get people who don’t like tomatoes.

9. If you want to be that annoying person don’t change the toilet paper roll when it’s empty. (FUCKER)

10. You’re Shit stinks, I don’t care who you are! Everybody shits and everybody stinks!

Words of wisdom for your Monday night. Thanks for coming by, I hope you come back soon.

xx

Michelle