More than a feeling-W.I.S.E. Project 2016

On Saturday my girls and I will make the nine hour skip to Larch Hills with my Mom. I am so excited for her to experience Tin Poppy, a place that has captured our hearts and holds a little bit of my soul. Last years trip was a healing journey, we were in the thick of mourning my husband Kirk, and though he is incredibly missed I will always celebrate the memories we made at Tin poppy, some things get to last forever.

Dancing in the rain!

Sunsets, sunrise, high tide, full moons…they are beautiful moments but like most good moments they are fleeting. Like the wind in your hair on hot summers day with the dial turned up and the open road ahead of you and that momentary perception of pure joy. It’s a feeling, a second, a minute if you are lucky. These are the moments that make up our lives but often we need to coach ourselves to breath in, look around and enjoy them before they are gone. When we practice gratitude we experience more of these moments that enrich our lives.

How often do wish you could capture the feeling of a place? Maybe it’s your lakeside cabin or your grandpa’s farmhouse. It’s more than that initial awe that strikes you when you glimpse it for the very first time; it’s the feeling of unceremonious joy and gratitude you get when you…

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Learning to fly-W.I.S.E. Project 2016

Imagine how different our lives would be if we realized that every person we connect or reconnect with has a message or a lesson for us. Sometimes those messages are lost in translation due to our discomfort or our egos. I am learning patience and humility and realizing that just because someone does it differently than me doesn’t mean their way is wrong. Thank you to everyone who has shared a bit of yourself with me over the past year, it is has been a journey, there is as much beauty in our struggle and our rising as the sun lifting into the sky each morning, we just have to be willing to see it. We are so much more than our collective scars but in sharing the things that make us who we are we help others on their journey and when we own every bit of our stories we avoid being a character in someone else’s. Talking and sharing is valuable but I have learned a very important lesson this year; listening is a superpower. xo

Dancing in the rain!

A soul in tension that’s learning to fly
Condition grounded but determined to try

~ Pink Floyd, Learning to Fly

My husband always tells me I have a beautiful soul. He said if he could describe me in one word he would use sunny because I always try to bring the light and see the bright side. I do try to be careful about that when the darkness comes, when the demons of depression have their arms around him, because I know that sometimes looking on the brighter side of things is just not a choice for him the way it is for me. Also, nobody likes a Pollyanna. Pain matters, sadness is for a reason. If we constantly brush off our pain and don’t allow ourselves to feel sadness we will dismiss the lessons that those feelings bring.

I asked him this morning if he thought that the intensity…

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The Journey

Dylan Glynn

“Tomorrow we die, today we love” ~  Geha Gonthier

I sing out loud even though I am tone deaf.

I speak truth to bullshit.

I compliment people.

In a moment I fear everything yet there are moments that I am fearless.

I love to laugh and I am so sarcastic that sometimes I am not even sure if I am kidding or not.

I keep my circle smaller than ever, not because I am afraid of getting hurt but because I realize that my time is the most valuable currency I have and I only spend it on the right people.

I am very protective of my energy.

Superficial relationships are not for me. I like to get to know the meat and potatoes of a person so if I am intrigued by you I am all in.

Learning to say NO has been life changing for me and every time I want to say No and hesitate, thinking I need to be nice, I end up fucking myself over.

I am emotional. Sometimes I experience all of the emotions in ten minutes. I don’t hide how I feel. If you are in my orbit you know that well.

The last year without my husband has been a journey.

I remember the moment I knew he was gone realizing what a huge responsibility I had in showing our children how to move forward in love and grace.

When tragedy strikes often our instinct is to get very small and quiet. That wasn’t for me. I have learned so much from seeing fabulous people move through their struggles that I believe there is beauty and value in sharing my authentic self and being real about the darkness of grief but also the opportunities that adversity presents to us.

I have spent the last year learning to laugh again and encouraging my children to embrace life and to invest in themselves and fill themselves up with love so that when they share that love with others it is not because they need love, it is because they have so much love to give that it is overflowing.

I am growing into myself, learning to fill my space so to speak and it is not without challenges. Not everyone is interested in knowing themselves as intimately as I know me, accepting the darkness in themselves so they can safely move into the light.

People can only know you, accept you, and love you to the extent that they also know, love and accept themselves and it is not our job to fit ourselves in a box to be enough for people.

You are enough.

Just as you are.

We want to be accepted. We want to be loved. However, part of finding out who we are and expanding and growing into the person we are truly meant to be means that we will not be right for everyone and that is OK.

I truly believe that the people meant to be in our lives will always be there when they are meant to be there. Not everyone is meant to be with us forever. Not everything is permanent.

My son, who is an amazingly kind and old soul said to me that society teaches us to be careful who we love, as if we only have so much love to give but in reality love multiplies love.

The death of my husband taught me so many lessons but there is a quote that I said at his service that will resonate with me forever.

“The only remedy for love is to love more” ~Henry David Thoreau

The only way to have that type of true and unencumbered love is to first give it to yourself. Find you, be you, love you.

People will move in and out of your life, but you will always be there. Spend less time trying to be the person everyone needs and be the person you need. Everything else will eventually fall into place.

Louie Schwartzberg, a nature photographer says “beauty and seduction are nature’s tools for survival, because we will protect what we fall in love with.” Why wouldn’t we fall in love with ourselves first?

 

Doing All Right – Wise project 2018- #TenaciousTuesday

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I want you to know something important. I don’t always have my shit together. I am winging it at the best of times, life, eyeliner, finances…all of it.

My decision making consists of a slight pause, a deep breath and the phrase “fuck it” before diving head first into most situations.

I am not shy and some of my friends describe me as extroverted but the truth is I have this insane need to just be myself. Now granted I have a select friend or two that gets to see the full on crazy that I tuck in periodically to be acceptable for the rest of the world but generally speaking I am an open book and that is important to me because the people that belong in my life are there for the right reasons; for me, not for a version of myself that I present to the world.

We are constantly looking to the right thinking that everyone else has it all together and the truth is that most of us are really just winging it.

The bigger truth is I feel pretty damn good about it.

There was a time when I was trying to juggle all of the balls at once, motherhood, marriage, work, finances, volunteerism and I constantly had the feeling that one wrong move and everything would come tumbling down. The truth is I wasn’t doing any of those jobs particularly well because I neglected in all of that to take care of me.

When I started truly investing in myself it seemed that everything else seemed to fall gently into place, there was no more guilt or juggling. There is great deal of freedom in letting go and trusting that you are fully supported at all times by something larger than you. For me that is the universe; science, energy, spirit and guides. I believe that when we take care of ourselves we are better in tune to see the way that these things work together to constantly support us for our greatest good.

I try to make good healthy choices for myself, I limit my time with people who suck my energy and seek out opportunities for wellness and growth. The more I do this, the more things, ideas and people cross my path that I know for certain were placed there at the right time to support me and to fill my journey with light.

I don’t have all the answers but what I am trying to accomplish is to let go of the fear that sometimes goes hand in hand with not knowing what comes next.

Sometimes it is scary not knowing all of the answers but we cannot live our lives for tomorrow when today is all we are promised.

For me meditation has been a wonderful gift to keep me grounded and connects me to the present and quite frankly to my inner self, the witness, not the judge. Even in the midst of chaos I have the tools to access calm in me that for a long time I never knew existed.

Just for today take a little time to recognize where you are, look around, breath. Don’t worry that the neighbor has a backyard oasis and you have a giant toilet for your dog, don’t worry that your friend is making her family a recipe from Chrissy Tiegan’s new cookbook and your kids are getting Lucky charms with chocolate milk after practice. Take a moment to remember that you have all this under control, take that five minutes you thought you couldn’t afford, even if you are just sitting in the bathroom playing Spiderman solitaire with the door locked. You matter. The moment you realize that everything else is gravy.

You got this.

 

 

 

 

Words get in the way -Wise Project 2018 #TenaciousTuesday

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In 2015 Shonda Rimes released the Year of Yes, just as I was learning to say No all over again. The word NO, a simple shift in narrative has given me back to myself. I used to say yes to everything and it left me depleted and often frustrated and angry. I think I equated saying yes and taking on everything with my self-worth. Being the “yes girl” made me valuable and I got a great deal of validation from that. During that time, I clearly did not know that I determined my own self-worth and because of that, I was often taken advantage of and the things that I used to enjoy I became very resentful of.

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When toddlers learn to say the word no it is extremely powerful in their young minds and they are really onto something. If you have ever seen a toddler saying “No” to everything, on repeat, they are just learning to use and exert their own power. I remember being asked to do something and finally saying no and feeling so fucking great about it. People were so used to me saying yes that it was a little shocking at first and where I was always the person willing to pick up the slack or do the shit jobs that nobody else wanted to do it was not exactly looked upon favorably. I learned quite quickly that my value to some people was very much dependent on what I could do for them, I also learned pretty quickly that saying No to the things I really didn’t want to do put me back in the driver’s seat of my own life and made me a whole lot happier and valuable to the people that really mattered, including myself. Setting limits in our lives is extremely important and for me, a simple change in narrative became a vehicle of integrity and a way to rid myself of time-consuming filler that had ceased to add any value to my life. Don’t get me wrong, saying yes is not always a bad thing, in fact saying yes to life and love and new experiences can add a great deal to your life, but NO, used properly, wields a great deal of personal power and should be celebrated as such. We put a lot of significance on being needed, wanted and valued but saying yes all of the time to feel worthy just becomes a lot of work.

No. Repeat after me…”NO”

Doesn’t that feel amazing?

I had a boss and friend that used to say, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t you are right either way!” I use this little piece of genius almost every day, in conversations with others and in the words I use to encourage myself. Can’t is a powerful word, if we give power to it. If you believe you cannot do something you simply can’t but if you believe you can you have embraced a fantastic superpower because if you think you can, you absolutely, without a doubt, unequivocally can!

But.

But is a word that people use to clip their own wings and wrap themselves in chains. But is often used in the same paragraph as can’t. ‘But’ gives you the pause to say why you can’t. But comes before an excuse. Take notice and of when and how you are using the word but and try to answer in another way.

Trying.

I used to think trying was a powerful word until a very wise man who helped me on my healing journey told me that trying is lying. I am trying my best and I am doing my best is a tiny but incredible shift in narrative that will make you a badass. Instead of attempting you are doing. Simple.

Broken.

I love poetry but in poetry, people are often referred to as broken. Broken hearted, broken spirit, just plain broken. After my husband passed away I often described the feeling I had as broken but when I realized that not only did my heart have this huge capacity to love, it felt every ounce of hurt that comes along with losing that love tragically, I was able to experience every single emotion to every degree on the pendulum swing and I believe that that makes me the very opposite of broken. I am strong enough to bend which essentially makes me unbreakable. I will own and embrace my struggles and rise to fight when needed but I am not broken and neither are you.

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Vulnerable.

The dictionary would like to tell us that vulnerable is susceptible, weak and defenseless but vulnerable is actually one of the most powerful words and actions in the English language. It is one of my favorite words in fact. According to researcher and author Brene Brown, we associate vulnerability with emotions we want to avoid such as fear, shame, and uncertainty. Through her work, I have come to believe that vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage. When we shrug off the protective armor that shields us from feeling vulnerable, we open ourselves up to experiences that bring purpose and meaning to our lives. Vulnerability Is the origin of joy, creativity, authenticity, and love. That feels pretty damn powerful to me.

Save.

We often look for others to swoop into a situation and save us. I have a difficult time with that word. When Kirk passed away I remember falling on my deck and slumping against the house in shock and disbelief and I knew immediately that nobody could save me. We all need support, comfort, and encouragement but in those important moments, I realized that if I was going to slay the demons I better find a sword because nobody could save me, that was my job. In a similar respect we can not save others, that is not our job, we can love, hold space, encourage and support but “saving” oneself is an inside job!

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These are just a couple of examples of how  narrative has been important in my life and has helped me reclaim my personal power. Pay attention to the diminishing words that you use, words that take your power away. You can make some simple little shifts daily in the way you speak to and about yourself as well as how you speak up for yourself. You will immediately command respect because people will see very quickly how you much value yourself and quite frankly if we do not value ourselves why would we expect anyone else to?

Recommended: The Power of Vulnerability~ Brené Brown

Lost Together -Wise Project 2018 #TenaciousTuesday

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They say butterflies don’t know they are beautiful because they cannot see their wings and that often people are the same, that others see in them things they cannot see. If you are beautiful on the inside that will always show on the outside, to the people that matter anyway. I dedicate this post to my old friend Tanya who is in the throes of one of life’s most difficult journey’s. At the moment she is in a protective cocoon but man when she emerges, I foresee beautiful things for her.

 

A song on the radio snapped me to attention the other day, I had one of those moments as the song opened to the familiar crooning of the talented Mr. Jim Cuddy, “strange and beautiful are the stars tonight…” from Blue Rodeo’s Lost Together; that you never forget.

I was flooded with intense emotion as I imagined Kirk walking across the garage to give me his hand and when I took it he would pull me into his arms to dance. It never much mattered whether it was just the two of us or twenty people were in the garage, there are certain songs that no matter what the circumstance was, we would dance. The moment left me a bit shook, one moment I was laughing and feeling as light as air and the next second there were hot tears springing from my eyes but before the tears reached the middle of my cheek a box of screws fell, seemingly from midair, sailed across the counter and landed in front of me. My friend chuckled and said “He is here”

They say we are lost till we are found, (whoever they are anyway), and in the span of a moment in time, I was both lost and found again. There are constant reminders for me that death has not ended the love I share with Kirk, and reminders that feel like permission and encouragement to find my wings, to take that breath, and like the phoenix; rise.

Dimes have been literally appearing out of nowhere at a rate that seems almost uncanny. My daughter was making a sandwich tonight and one fell out of midair and landed at her feet.

Whether you are religious or not the serenity prayer which says, “Lord grant me the strength to change the things I can, the courage to accept the things I can’t and the wisdom to know the difference.” is a critical reminder that accepting that which we cannot change, is the only way to move forward.

There are times in our lives that we will all feel a little lost and I think it is essential to know that sometimes we all are. Nobody has it all figured out, nobody is untouched by struggle and nobody is up all the time.

I had a couple situations in the last several weeks where I allowed people to get the better of me, making me question myself and my worthiness and whether I was enough. I found myself in the anguish of wondering how people see me and why someone would treat me as if I was less than them. Those are sad moments indeed when we find ourselves standing on the outside of a situation, hustling for our worthiness when we know damn well that nobody has the power to determine our worth. A person eager to stand in judgment of another already questions their own worthiness so we should never give them control of ours.

We need to stop spending so much time giving a fuck what people think of us. Every single person that we meet will have a different view of us and they can only see us and know us and love us to the level that they also see and know and love themselves. The magic happens when we love ourselves so much that other people’s opinions do not hold power over us. In times of fear, shame, and inadequacy we need to select our thoughts the way we select our clothes in the morning. Don’t pick the self-depreciating, judgemental thoughts and follow them down into the perpetual abyss.

We are all born whole and worthy. We are born enough.

Let people evaluate and undervalue you, let them speak untruths about you, their opinions are not your problem. You be you. Be kind, bound to love and committed to your beautiful authenticity. Speak out, speak up, be vulnerable, but never live in fear of shining too bright or doubting your worthiness.

I read a quote today that went something like this

 “Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.”

 Life is a journey, not a destination. Your journey is your journey and your struggles and challenges have the power to bring out your true potential if you allow and if you have the guts to say firmly to anyone who dares tell you how to travel your path,

“This is my journey. I’ll do it my way”

We will all find ourselves at that intersection in life where everything is literally falling apart around us, but, if we pay close attention we can see that at the same time things are coming together, life is funny like that.

We need to stop subscribing to the idea that we will be enough when we lose ten pounds, get a promotion, get a partner and get our proverbial shit together.

WE ARE ENOUGH NOW.

Sometimes I find myself spiraling in fear and feeling all alone and I am always reminded of a story my mom told me about one time after my dad passed away she was in town paying bills and decided to have dinner at her favorite Chinese restaurant. She said there was a little girl with her mother at the next table and the little girl pointed at her and asked her mother why the lady was all alone. I remember how terrible that story made me feel but how badass I thought my mom was because goddammit she just wanted some Chinese food and she was worth it. She didn’t need anyone to accompany her to make her worthy of eating a meal.

People spend years in relationships that make them miserable and lonely but somehow we have been led to believe that on our own we are just not enough. We spend way to much time looking to others to validate us and make us feel worthy.

I have been thinking about this a lot and this weekend I took myself to the theatre. I had an extra ticket and my plans changed a couple of times and I decided that I needed to go by myself. I felt like it was something that I wanted to do. I strolled down the street in these amazing high heels and a fabulous wine-colored dress that matched my knockout lipstick and I felt every bit as badass as I thought my mom was for eating her Chinese food and enjoying her own company. I even had the audacity to throw my arms up in the air and feel the sunshine on my face and love myself, my tenacity and my vibrant city.

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I sat in the Cabaret section of the theatre which was swarming with couples and there wasn’t a second that I felt alone or like I didn’t belong. The show was fabulous, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I strolled out of the theatre and down the sidewalk of my incredible city in my sexy stiletto heels feeling phenomenal. I stopped at the Art Gallery and as I was sitting on the steps I took a couple selfies which I thought captured exactly how I was feeling in that moment and thought how we are all just magical, unique works of art, no two of us exactly the same and yet so remarkable in our differences.

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I awoke to Mothers day and probably one of the hardest days I have faced since my husband has been gone. I felt none of the previous nights fierce independence and in it’s place I felt immense sadness and I felt alone and afraid. The woman that strolled down the street with her head high the night before was buried in blackness. Those feelings plagued my thoughts and attacked all of my insecurities and I felt myself following those down the dark rabbit hole.

Grief is a strange and ferocious beast.

I didn’t want to feel any of it and the intensity frightened me and left me exhausted. I curled up in a ball and wanted desperately to surrender to all of it and just lay there and let the hours of Mother’s Day tick tick away.

I kept hearing this nagging voice, louder than the other ones that mocked me and told me shitty stuff. It sounded like Kirk’s and it kept saying “Get up, you are a warrior.”

I am happy to say I did get up. I shook it off. I cried and then I cooked a big dinner and ate too many whipped potatoes and too much bread.

This morning when I picked out my clothes for the day I was also careful to pick out my thoughts and they all said, “Hey badass, you are a warrior, you got this, go kick the ass off this day.”

 

Something more than free -Wise Project 2018 #TenaciousTuesday

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Several months after Kirk died I was catching up with an old friend and I found myself describing this fleeting feeling that I had been having, this feeling of freedom, this feeling like I could spread my wings and fly and live a big bold life in amazing technicolor. Saying it out loud to someone for the first time felt kind of liberating, as did being in the company of someone that I felt certain at that moment wouldn’t judge me. Typing that feels rather silly but death can bring out the worst in people and rumors were rampant in my small hometown and I faced a lot of judgment for every decision I made after Kirk died, even imaginary ones. I was only choosing to live while I was alive, something that Kirk wanted desperately for me, so it seems outlandish that anyone could find fault in that, but unhappy people can find fault in the best of intentions.

We think we can never face the hard things, and often when we are onlookers to the pain or suffering of another we wonder how they are able to endure it. The truth is we either do or we don’t. They are our only two choices. No matter what tragedies and challenges we face in our lives we all have the same opportunity to move through or get stuck. Most of what we go through, we grow through.

In the past several years I have been doing some work on relationship studies. Robert Waldinger’s Ted Talk and Harvard studies on what makes a good life led me to want to improve the most important relationships in my own life and as I dug deeper into relationships I was introduced to the concept of attachment and the strain it can put on our relationships, whether they are friendships or intimate’s ones.

While studying attachment it came up time and time again our attachment to material things as well. I thought I had mastered that years ago when I sold my house in Nova Scotia, the house that Kirk and I got married at, the house we brought our children home from the hospital to, the home where learned to love each other, even during the times that we struggled to like one another. What I learned the day I stood all by myself in that empty house will never leave me, once you took the people out of the house it was just four walls. It really wasn’t that important. The memories got to come with us on our new journey and they were the most important thing.

The lesson of attachment as it pertains to relationships is a tough lesson, one that I couldn’t completely grasp or understand the relevance of. What I was about to find out is that experience would bring me wisdom that I would never find in a book. The significance and truth in attachments I would discover through my own volition.

Your identity, your self-worth, and survival should never be bound by people or things.

Attachment and fear-based love can put a lot of pressure on our relationships and the people that we love and support. When there is jealousy and possessiveness in our friendships or relationships we are not acting from a place of love, we are acting from a place of attachment. Attachment is needy, insecure and repressive. Attachment is a terrible substitute for love, but in the end, some people want security more than they want freedom.

Don’t you lock up something
That you wanted to see fly
Hands are for shaking
No, not tying, no, not tying

~ from Fell on Black Days by Soundgarden

A defining moment in my life is when a boyfriend that I had once been madly in love with and thought I would spend the rest of my life with told me that he wanted to own and control me. I had a new job and new friends and I was happy and growing as an individual and his fear at me finding my wings and his reluctance to love and support me in my growth destroyed our relationship.

Love is spacious, it should never make us feel caged. Love and friendship is an incredible thing if we can love and be loved in such a way that makes us feel free.

I have not mastered this intelligent free flow in all my relationships, but I have a good realization that not everyone is supposed to be with us for the duration of our lives. Some people come into our lives to teach us or to challenge us for a very short time and others though they may come and go are meant to be in our lives in some way; always. There is an ebb and flow to these things that will most often manage itself if we give up our need to control every little thing.

After Kirk passed away people said and did the strangest things. I felt like a lot of people tried to take a weird ownership of him, as if their connection or experiences with him diminished all his other relationships. I also saw a very beautiful thing, I saw people who genuinely loved him forging friendships with others that loved him in a very simple, loving and honest way.

I am a better person for loving Kirk and I am richer from being consumed by the depths of his love. Death has surprisingly taught me more about love than I could ever conceive of. Death ends a physical life, it does not end love. Kirk’s love lives inside of me, in my limbs, guiding me and helping me to see and experience things in ways I could never even imagine. Our love is not dependent on bonds and it knows no bounds. It is how earthly love should be.

Have you ever hiked to the top of a mountain and when you got to the top your legs were like jello and your lungs were on fire but the view from the top was incredibly breathtaking and you stood in the freedom pose with the sun on your face and the wind in your hair and you just felt so astonishingly free you wished that feeling could last forever? Imagine if our love could make someone feel like that? Wouldn’t that be powerful?

“The secret of Happiness is Freedom, and the secret of Freedom, Courage.” – Thucydides (460 BC – 395 BC), Greek Historian