Five Year Engagement -Thank You

Disclaimer-I wanted to apologize if my repeated use of the word fuck in my blog post the other day offended anyone. I am not apologizing for using the versatile, emotion conveying term, I am actually just sorry for you if you are offended. I think we spend way too much time being offended and though I try to keep things very upbeat and positive here (that is the whole purpose), the truth is life really sucks sometimes and that deserves to be acknowledged as well! Sometimes you are handed a bag of shit and expected to make shit pie. We do the best we can at any given moment.

Marshall-Islands
The Marshall Islands are a sprawling chain of volcanic islands and coral atolls in the central Pacific Ocean, between Hawaii and the Philippines. Someone there has read my blog!

Happy five year anniversary to me

Today is the fifth year anniversary of my first blog post. Thanks to everyone who ever popped by, even if you found yourself here by accident. This is a pretty big deal to me!!! Five years. Besides marriage and motherhood; which I hide from both occasionally,  I am not really good with long engagements. I have worked at my job for over five years but I did take a two year break in between so I am not sure if that counts. I did have a diet that lasted for five years but I only did it in one day increments. It led to a lot of other issues such as headache, lethargy and bitchiness.

Blogging has been fun and I have appreciated all of the conversations that I have had with people, and the friendships that I have formed. Writing authentically requires a great deal of vulnerability; allowing people into your life and your heart can sometimes be difficuly but my experiences over the last five years have been exceptionally positive. From the bottom of my heart I thank you!

My blog has been viewed in 108 countries

I decided to go through my google analytics today and it was pretty interesting. I found out that my blog has been viewed in 108 countries. That is an interesting statistic. I have 739 friends on Facebook, many of whom have never viewed my blog at all. That means that strangers in 55% of the countries in the entire world give a shit about what is going on with me more than the people who actually know me. This is not a dig at those friends at all, I know that lives are busy and some of you cannot read and I know that you wouldn’t even have the time to follow my blog even if I won a billion dollars or wrote a bestselling novel. So seriously, there is no offense taken whatsoever. People in the Marshall Islands and Kyrgyzstan are very interested in what I am doing and that is enough for me.

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Kyrgyzstan is a rugged Central Asian country along the Silk Road, the ancient trade route between China and the Mediterranean. The Tian Shan mountains, which surround the old caravan route and dominate the country, are home to snow leopards, lynx and sheep. Someone is Kyrgyzstan has read my blog.

Thousand Acre Heart Part 8 is my top viewed post

Of those 108 Countries who have read my blog; my most read blog post in 5 years was Thousand Acre Heart Part 8. Thousand Acre Heart is my account of being a pregnant sixteen year old girl in a small town who gave her baby boy up for adoption and years later searched for him. I had to peel back some layers of skin on old wounds to write about it but it was gave me a certain amount of freedom from the past. If you have not read it but you are curious (it has a happy ending) , it is on the menu bar at the top of the page, start at part one.

Strangers care about what I am doing at least as much as the people I know

Facebook and search engines were equal referrers in the past several years, so that means that strangers care about what I am doing at least as much as the people I know; if not more. Twitter was a big referrer over the years but was right in line with Storied mind, which is a support blog based out of the U.K. for spouses whose partners suffer depression. I found the blog at a time that I was in desperate need of support and because of that blog I started sharing my own stories and struggles surrounding my battles with my partners depression. I am humbled by the kindness people have shown me and the stories that have emerged from others who have a genuine desire to help me find my way when darkness falls. I sincerely hope that those that visited my blog from Storied Mind have found a bit of comfort in the knowing that they are not alone.

kazakhstan.jpg
Kazakhstan, a Central Asian country and former Soviet republic, extends from the Caspian Sea in the west to the Altai Mountains at its eastern border with China and Russia. Someone in  Kazakhstan has read my blog!

The top six countries that view my blog

The top six countries that view my blog are Canada, U.S., United Kingdom, Brazil, Australia and Germany, this is not really a surprise but those following closely behind like United Arab Emrites, India and South Africa are very intriguing to me as well.

There are a handful of countries that have only visited once, smaller less important countries of course. I assume that their google search led them astray and that is funny in its own right because some of the search terms they were interested in, that led them to my blog, are very facinating. In no particular order I have compiled some of my favorite search terms that lead readers to my blog, they are copied directly so I am not responsible for grammatical errors (I don’t even take responsibility for my own).

Search term favorites:

can i have a margarita while on vitamin d (ummm Cheryl Paris was this you?)

does bon jovi have eyebrows

turning 40 life ideas (not birthday but life lol)

“baby first” “marriage later”

الفيس بريسلي و بريسيلا (I translated this it means Elvis and Pricilla Presely)

was honey boo boo mom on jerry springer

what is the writing address for honey boo boo

“in his car” “had to pee”

stinky heidi shit gusts (poor Heidi)

diane lane nipple (go big or go home…just the nipple?)

card games if you lose you get a wedgie

masturbation snowsuit- (I am going to google this one myself)

is there a song about a whiny bitch

bit me nose of to spite me face (Say with a Newfie accent )

why you act like your shit don’t stink meme

so dance fucker dance

really dirty truth or dare questions (this sounds like something I would google but it was likely my Aunt Terri)

ed kowalczyk wife (please copy, paste and google this on google images)

Thanks so much for your visits, I write for myself but also for you and stats are fun!!

Have a great Wednesday!

A Good Life -W.I.S.E

Hi there,

We have reached the end of the January blahs and I have uploaded a Podcast with my journal notes on what I have learned from this months W.I.S.E. Project as well as introducing February W.I.S.E Principles. Check it out HERE

Thanks for following along, choose a good life!

Keep Shining

Photo courtesy of http://www.gorillabrigade.com

Today didn’t feel quite right. I remember laying in bed this morning wide awake for quite some time because I had to pee very bad but I though I was uncomfortable I was too lazy to move. By the time I got up to pee it was time to get up anyways but I crawled back in bed and stole an extra fifteen minutes of cuddle time with my husband.

The day didn’t start unusually but from the minute I got to work I felt off and disorganized. I usually look at Mondays as an opportunity to regroup and start the week strong and fresh. In fact yesterday I went to church with a friend and we listened to a sermon on Vocational Health and I was actually quite excited to start the work week.

In the morning we had a visitor to our building who is going to be doing some work here for another company, he didn’t have an appointment but I generously let him in any way and allowed him look around. I called our Maintenance Manager to let him know and then shoved my phone into my pocket. A couple of minutes later I bent down to pick up my keys and the phone took a hard thud on the concrete. The screen had some minor cracks but the inside touch screen had issues and one side of the phone was green. I felt instantly deflated.

I was recounting my story to the mail lady when she came in and she told me she had met a co-worker for coffee and she had a bad day, she got bit by a dog, fell in a mud puddle and dropped her phone down a manhole. She had me beat and since bad things happen in threes she was done!

The mail lady said her goodbyes with a promise to see me the next day. I looked at her like she had three heads and said “You will not see me on a Saturday!” She abruptly laughed and then looked at me with a mixture of sympathy and amusement as she reminded me that it was only Monday.

Five minutes later I broke a mug in my office and sent coffee and broken glass flying everywhere. After cleaning it up I decided maybe it was time to take lunch. I enjoy texting with my teenage daughter on her lunch hour and I was able to turn my phone sideways and with a little bit of difficulty I asked how her day was and told her I broke my phone. She replied that maybe it would make me feel better to know her heart was broken? My heart swelled and I texted back “Why?” She said people hurt her feelings everyday. I replied that those people do not matter to which she replied that some of them do. I replied, “Close your eyes and picture yourself peeing on them. Now that you have peed on them they do not matter!”

Her reply to my Mother of the year advice was “LMAO I love You”

Feeling just like I imagine a mother of the year would feel I laughed and contemplated another witty reply but somehow my already broken phone slipped out of my hands and hit the floor with a tragic thud. The phone is now broken beyond repair and it could be up till three days until I receive another. The screen is just black but the blue notification light flashes mockingly!!

Mondays are awesome!! I spent the rest of my afternoon at work hoping that my fourteen year old daughter was not at school peeing all over people. She wouldn’t even be able to text me. 😦

I have the words of a Dionne Warwick ballad, keep smiling, keep shining….” playing over and over in my head like a bad dream. That is what I will do universe, I am damn well going to dust myself off and keep shining!


How was your day?

Chicken Wings and Silly Things

Find the sunshine in everyday
Find the sunshine in everyday

I really shot myself in the foot by putting it in writing that I had a free five minutes in my last post. At the end of that evening I was exhausted and I was so ready for sleep when I crawled into bed only to discover that my cat had pissed in the middle of my bed.

Apparently she is annoyed with me for going back to work and decided to show her displeasure in a big way.

After a tedious clean up and new bedding I stretched out for a short(er) but glorious sleep. I was on the verge of exquisite slumber when hubby came to bed and as usual turned on the fan in our adjoining washroom. He needs the white noise and I despise it. I wake up several times a night thinking the heat is going and then lay awake stressing about my electric bill. Sometimes from overuse the fan begins to act up and I will wake thinking a helicopter is landing on the roof. Not a great feeling. I remember the 3 1/2 months I spent in the hospital pregnant with Haley and the Helipad landing was directly above my room. I would hear that thing at all hours and near pee my pants. Perhaps that is what happened to Kitty, she had the piss scared out of her.

Yesterday was a good and upbeat day at work and I managed to leave in time to rush home and drive Haley to music lessons, pop by work for another 40 minutes, stop and get groceries, make a quick (but late) dinner for the girls, put in laundry and then go for wing night at the local pub with hubby. He wanted to take me out so we could have a chat with me….intriguing! I ordered a corona and listened intently as my husband told me that we had to put my cat to sleep, that she has been terrorizing the mailman and the local children and that on top of refusing mail delivery the mailman had put in a complaint with the city. He looked at me sadly with a sympathetic shrug and hand squeeze. Good try hubby, good try!

I never wanted a cat but Kirk saved her almost ten years ago from certain death and she chose me as her person and it will continue to be that way!

We shared some pub grub and some laughs together. I really wanted to opt for fuzzy jammies and a night on the coach but we really enjoyed each others company. My husband is really good at recognizing when we just need a step away from the ordinary.

Life doesn’t always have to be extraordinary, we just have to grasp onto the moments that make us happy and focus on making time for more of those with the people we love!

Haley just called to tell me her sister called her the asshole of the family. I assured her that there are several assholes in the family but she is not at the top of the list. She asked if she could have ice cream. The kid has her priorities.

Tonight I took Morgan to practice, stopped by the YMCA to sign a paper, picked up the items I went to the grocery store for… spent $164 and came home without, picked up Morgan’s new phone and got a haircut.

My hair had gotten so long and it is incredibly thick. I needed a trim and a “fix-up” because I tried to trim my own bangs. At first I thought they looked pretty spy but as the days went on I kept trying to even it up and I was truly buthering it.

I laid back at the hairdresser while the nice young lady from the Phillipines washed my hair. It felt so great laying back with warm water running on my head. I wanted to stay forever.

It’s 10 pm and I finally got something to eat, put my jammies on and crawled in bed to watch Greys Anatomy re-runs. My house is a disaster but I can’t find the desire to care!

It has been brutally cold. This morning it was -37 with the wind chill eeek. The good news is the days are getting longer. I love the pink sky and the rising sun as I drive to work in the morning and the fiery ball nestled above the trees as I drive home.

Sometimes it’s the little things

What’s up Buttercup?

Haley visited at work last week, I found this when I sat down at my desk the very next morning. It made my day!
Haley visitied at work last week, I found this when I sat down at my desk the very next morning. It made my day!

I am on week two of back to work full-time and so far I am liking it, even more than I thought. I like having a routine but the problem I am having is trying to fit everything in. With the kids having activities 4-5 days a week something has to give and usually it is housework. At 9 p.m. after I have ran around all day it is easier to close the laundry room door then to actually do laundry.

When I decided to go back to work I went through mixed emotions and I even cried my eyes out at one point. I think the thing that bothers me the most is thinking of the summer and not being able to drop everything and go to the mountains whenever the mood strikes us. There were times Kirk and I would decide to go to the Mountains at 3 am, go to bed till 7 am, wake the kids, tell them the news, pack a couple of bags and drive. I love those crazy, random, spur of the moment trips.

I do however like feeling useful and feeling like all the hours in my day are accounted for. I would like to have just a couple of extra ones that are not accounted for though, a couple of freebies. I also miss aquafit, coffee dates and p.j days.

Today my 9-year-old daughter called me at work crying to tell me that her older sister had eaten all the drumsticks and she didn’t get to have one. I was in the middle of entering schedules into the computer and though it wasn’t time sensitive in my head I had started it and didn’t want to leave it unfinished. I had five minutes to get everything I wanted done so I could chat with my evening staff, pack up and pick up my daughters friend and both my girls and get them to practice on time. This ice cream crisis did not constitute an emergency in my mind and it was a good opportunity to discuss when we call mommy at work and when we don’t. Truth be known if they are just calling to say I love you they can call anytime.

I rushed to practice, I brought the youngest home after hers and left the oldest to her two hour practice while I quickly cleaned the kitchen and folded laundry. I found myself staring into space after I inhaled a chicken sandwich and coleslaw and thought it was a good opportunity for an update. I HAD FIVE WHOLE MINUTES TO MYSELF!!

Yay me.

It’s -22 and I am bundling up to go back into the cold and get my oldest daughter from her roller derby practice. The fun it never ends.

Have a good night xx
Michelle

I’m a big kid now!

Yesterday I turned forty.

I woke up with wild grey hairs in my eyebrows but after a scowl and a pluck they were gone and I really didn’t feel much different. The thing that struck me the most was that the time between 14 and forty goes by so quickly. It seems like yesterday that I was forgoing Saturday morning cartoons to lay in bed and fantasize that I was on white sand beach making love with Jon Bon Jovi. I was fourteen so I knew nothing of love or sex and even in my fantasies it was mostly rolling around on the sand slobbering in each others mouths and telling each other how hot we were and that our hair was fantastic. So technically not much different then my twenties except at twenty I was mature enough to know that sand up your ass is not sexy.

I think the days go quicker the older you get as well. It is almost impossible for me to think all the thoughts I want to think, and take all the naps I want to take and still manage to do all the things I planned on doing the day before but put off until today and now they may have to wait until tomorrow. I plugged my wax in three days ago and have yet to wax my brows so instead I took a pair of Dollarama scissors and cut my bangs off so that they fall across my eyebrows and what is happening there is now a mystery!

My Dollarama scissor haircut that covers up my greying eyebrows

This evening I brought a bottle of wine and a glass to the table. An hour later the wine remained unopened and the glass empty. Never in a million years did I think that wine would be one of those things I “didn’t get around too”

I applied for a job tonight. It’s funny because I wasn’t even looking for a job exactly and then all the sudden my dream job jumped out of the computer screen and landed on my lap seductively and stroked my face. My heart skipped a beat. I knew that technically we were not right for each other. It was a downtown job, I am an uptown girl. It’s champagne and caviar, I’m cheap red wine and Black Diamond cheese. What I am trying to get across is that there will be candidates with better “paper” qualifications then me but in the real world of experience trumps diploma I would kick the ass off this job. If they were smart they would come to my door with gifts of Lindor Chocolate Truffles and Liquor Depot gift certificates and beg me to take this job. It would be an Affair to Remember! So I realize it is a long shot but I put my hat in the race. You can’t lose something you never had so certainly no harm was done. I honestly haven’t felt passionately about a job in a very long time. I have always taken pride in my work but besides my Volunteer work that I am unquestionably committed to and get a great deal of personal reward from I can’t remember the last time I felt like I could imagine myself waking up and doing the same thing everyday. My respect to those of you who have worked hard to achieve your goals and do a job you love everyday, it is rare!

So forty rolled in pretty quietly for me. It was a Wednesday so no all night party, no jaggermeister shots and swinging from the chandelier but it was exactly what I needed. I had a quiet dinner and shared some laughs with a wonderful friend. We then went to the late show to see American Hustle. Ten Academy Award nominations and I kid you not we had the entire theatre to ourselves. We had our shoes kicked off and our feet up. There was a part in the movie when Bradley Cooper and Amy Adams go disco dancing so we got on our feet and had our very own disco party, so fun. I should mention that my friend is 37.5 weeks pregnant and she sure can bust a move.

American Hustle is set in the 70s, the movie is colorful and layered. The characters are complex and beautiful. Hair was big, bras were non-existent and though there really wasn’t any sex, the hint of it was enough and there were a couple of times when I wanted to scream “DO IT!! The movie explored relationships, consequences, ego, heart and the conflict between right and wrong. It was portrayed so eloquently that there were times I struggled in my own mind to decide what was right and what was wrong and was it really so black and white. The movie really studied the rhythms of the characters and showed you what people are capable of when their lives are in shambles. A line at the end of the movie spoken by Christian Bale (who reminded me of my dear Dad back in the 70s) stuck with me….

“The art of survival is a story that never ends”

So simply true!

My birthday treat

xo Michelle

Grab your Jimmy Poo Shoes and shimmy to the Dear John!

Don't get caught in the flush, grab your Jimmy Poos!
photo compliments of http://www.sassisamblog.com

Hubby and I met friends the other night at a local pub to play pool and as is usual for me, one drink goes in two come out. I.P. Frequently is my pet name! I was sitting in the stall and a woman entered the one beside me and sat down with a thud. She was peeing almost immediately, before her ass even touched the crapper seat and letting out long-winded, uncontrollable pee farts. I snickered loudly and when I realized I hadn’t done so in my head I felt bad and didn’t want to embarrass the mad pee farter so I pretended to be laughing at a conversation I was having on my phone. I know, I know, I am juvenile, faking a conversation was even more mature than the actual loud snickering but farts are funny, especially after you add a double vodka to a stressful week.

I was recounting the story to my husband and he asked if I had Poop shoes when I worked at the Soccer Centre. I laughed, asked him to repeat and then laughed again at his hilarious explanation. I had never heard of Poop Shoes. Apparently I have been out of the “office culture” loop for too long!

URBAN DICTIONARY
poop shoes
the pair of shoes you put on when taking a dump at the office, so no one can identify you under the stall.
matt: who blew up the handicap stall on 5, bro?

rey: it was me, bro!

matt: nah, dude was wearing neon dunks, bro.

rey: yo! them’s my poop shoes, bro!

matt and rey: ahhhhhhhhhh. yea, bro!
by pied pooper July 19, 2011

Apparently this Poop shoe thing is a big deal and may in fact have been stared by the great one herself Oprah Winfrey!

Oprah Winfrey > Quotes > Quotable Quote
Oprah Winfrey
“I have a special pair of poop shoes under my desk. Whenever I need to drop a deuce, I slip them on and scurry to the restroom, and no one ever knows it’s me. Like, if I’m wearing Louboutins that day, and my producer sees Earth shoes in the stall….well, you get the idea. It was truly a lightbulb moment when that came to me.”

― Oprah Winfrey

It got me wondering how many people actually do this? What kind of shoes do they use? How often do they switch out their poop shoes? Are they nice shoes or “shitty ones” excuse the pun?

I can imagine women everywhere sneaking their Poop Shoes into their purse, clenching their butt cheeks and taking quick but careful steps to the bathroom to release the Poop Storm!

In defence of Poop Shoe users everywhere when I worked at the Soccer Centre I had about 30 bathrooms to choose from so it wasn’t necessary for anyone to know how regular my bowel movements were or were not! I always had extra shoes in my office though, for whatever need might arise so had I needed them I would have been covered.

Always looking for the perfect get rich quick scheme I decided to market my own line of “Poop Shoes”

“C’mon ladies, Jimmy Poo shoe Party Anyone?”

“If you feel a rainstorm coming on you grab an umbrella, if you feel a shit-storm coming on you grab your poop shoes” -Michelle DeBay