Too Close for Comfort

I have personal space issues. I am not sure when it began or how and why it progressed because I don’t remember always being this way. By nature I am an affectionate person and some people can bust through my bubble pretty easily but sometimes contact with people feels invasive. If you are among my closest friends don’t feel offended or worried that you may be smothering me. We both know that after a couple of drinks I lose my filter so chances are I would have said something sarcastic like “Are you trying to kiss me? You would have turned red and blurted out “No” and I would have said “then take a step back because I can see your tonsils when you talk and it is freaking me out!” I have on occasion though endured my discomfort for the sake of someones feelings. I always thought this was kind and mature of me until my friend told me she slept with a guy she wasn’t the least bit attracted to to avoid hurting his feelings. So, in some cases honesty or at least removing yourself from the situation is the best thing for everyone.

Last night I took my girls to the movies and I was happy because we had the entire back row to ourselves, or at least that is the way it began. Moments before the show people are filing in and crawling over me to get to seats. Thankfully there was still an empty seat separating my oldest daughter and her friend from the youngest and I, and there were two open seats beside us. I was so content I ate a box of glosette raisins before the movie even started. I was anticipating the entrance of Will Smith in tight pants when some late arrivals filtered in. Never mind that there was five empty rows to choose from, they sauntered up to our row and hung out awkwardly for what seemed like an eternity while they decided if they were going to sit there. I wasn’t about to give them an invitation or look welcoming or anything. Looking back on the situation I should have let out a guttural growl and told them that the seats were taken. Again the movie had already started so it was annoying to have them stand there and then even more annoying when they decided to shimmy their way into the seats squished between people who were already comfortable. Did I mention there were five empty rows? My mature voice is talking to me and it says “Michelle take a deep breath and enjoy the movie!” I try, I really try but the man is quite large and his arm keeps grazing me and I can feel myself retreating, mentally trying to make myself smaller He is a heavy breather, he sounds like he has been on a ten-mile jog. I am looking straight ahead and doing my best to focus on what I came for, enjoying a movie with my daughters. The smell of movie nachos hits me before they hit his mouth. They are loaded with jalapenos and dripping with cheese sauce. This guy is ravenous. He begins shoving them in his mouth handful after handful, barely taking the time to chew between deposits into his hungry cave. There is cheese sauce dripping off his chin but he doesn’t wipe it. He continues to stuff the nachos into him and I am sure he is going to barf on me. His labored breathing is ten times worse now. It sounds like at fat man on a treadmill. I am doing anything I can to focus on something else. Occasionally he snorts a little, I assume to avoid choking. In my head I am picturing my mother stuffing a butterball turkey with stuffing and she fills it and fills it until the turkey explodes all over me. My head starts to tingle and I pull my hair back tightly into a finger ponytail. Sometimes adding some sort of pressure to my body can help me refocus. I am literally feeling like bugs are crawling on me but I know this will pass. That triple extra large order of nachos cannot last forever. It feels like eternities have passed since this man sat down beside me. I sympathize for anything or anyone who has ever been trapped in a cage for I imagine that this is how they must feel, or dogs on leashes unable to run free. Now I am imagining myself in a wide open field with nothing but green grass below my feet and blue sky above my head. I am barefoot and running with my arms above me basking in the open air. The man puts his Nacho container on the floor. Surprisingly it is not done but he needs a drink. He takes a large swig and then burps and loudly clears phlegm from his throat. I want to be back in my wide open field but now I picture the heavy breather with nacho cheese smeared on his face chasing me through it. He takes another drink, every time he lifts his cup his arm hits mine. He burps again and this time the smell hits me immediately. Spicy jalapeno cheese burp. I jump out of my seat like it is on fire and dive into the seat beside Morgan and her friend. Within seconds the tension subsides and I am free to enjoy the movie.

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YOU HAVE ISSUES- Top Five Most Bizarre people

My day started with a news feed full of the negative, mindless ramblings of an old acquaintance who is convinced the world is out to get her sits around all day on Facebook fueling and feeding her own drama and misconceptions about what life is, was, should and will be. It certainly got me thinking about the wonderful and positive people that I have in my life and even those who are not so positive, but I love you anyway because I see a spark of hope and hope is fantastic.

I thought of my colorful friends past and present, like Woody Allen written characters, perfectly flawed and real, finding their way through trials and errors in this big bad world. If everyone on my friends list (real and Facebook, Twitter, WordPress etc…) were exactly the same life would exist in one very dull shade. I prefer to live life in BRILLIANT color and therefore I try my best to find a good and common ground with everyone I meet.

I am working extremely hard to become less judgmental, and in doing so I have realized that meeting people from other planets can be as simple as having a conversation with that frazzled bed-headed lady in the fleece Betty Boop pajamas in the slow-moving line at Wal-Mart. Opportunities for growth are all around me, in every pink fuzzy slippered, haphazardly dressed possibly from another dimension person. Tolerance and patience are key. However there are times though when I say “Woaaa, hey, this person is too fucked up for me” Unfollow, unfriend, unlike, whatever it takes to stop the madness.

All things being relative I was thinking of an old friend who considered himself an artist of sorts and used to make pictures with his own blood. That is a little creepy and messed up. So brace yourself because this shit is about to take a weird turn around the cuckoo bush. I found some of the weirdest people I could find and I am going to share them with you. Don’t thank me yet.

1. Jennifer Weigel is an American “multi-disciplinary, mixed media artist” who makes art using her own crimson wave (period blood), urine and toenail clippings. Her previous work consists of pressing her bloody vagina onto watercolour paper, and her most recent piece is a self-portrait painted with her menstrual blood. Ick! (Courtesy of Thought Catalog, Find out more http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/i-make-art-out-of-my-own-period-blood/

2. Kailash Singh, from India is known as the world’s most smelliest man and he has not bathed in over 38 years. Find out more at Oddity Central, http://www.odditycentral.com/news/worlds-smelliest-man-hasnt-bathed-in-38-years.html

3.Everard Cunion , An odd man who couldn’t find a life partner so he married a doll. The fun never stops. Find out more http://www.odditycentral.com/news/man-decides-he-cant-get-a-real-woman-settles-for-realistic-looking-dolls.html

4. Wang Xiaoyu- China’s upside down Kung Fu barber wanted to add some innovation to his list of skills. He cuts hair upside down and can stay that way for up to 20 minutes. Find out more http://english.cctv.com/20090520/110140.shtml

5. Dennis Avner -The Cat Man or his preferred native American name “Stalking Cat” spent a significant amount of money on body modifications to make himself resemble a Tiger. Find out more http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stalking_Cat

SO BIZARRE

The world is but a Merry-Go-Round

What goes up, must come down

People are high, people are low

People are a mess wherever you go

How about a grin. just bare it

You can act or you can sit

Enjoy the ride or

Ride with the tide

You be as crazy as you dare

I’ll be sane but meet you there

I’ll cross my heart, while you hope to die

I will never look you in the eye

In a world that’s odd you’re not so rare

Your mind is like a springtime fair

The joys of a mind forever free

You’ll never be as weird as you wish to be

  Michelle DeBay