Hubby and I met friends the other night at a local pub to play pool and as is usual for me, one drink goes in two come out. I.P. Frequently is my pet name! I was sitting in the stall and a woman entered the one beside me and sat down with a thud. She was peeing almost immediately, before her ass even touched the crapper seat and letting out long-winded, uncontrollable pee farts. I snickered loudly and when I realized I hadn’t done so in my head I felt bad and didn’t want to embarrass the mad pee farter so I pretended to be laughing at a conversation I was having on my phone. I know, I know, I am juvenile, faking a conversation was even more mature than the actual loud snickering but farts are funny, especially after you add a double vodka to a stressful week.
I was recounting the story to my husband and he asked if I had Poop shoes when I worked at the Soccer Centre. I laughed, asked him to repeat and then laughed again at his hilarious explanation. I had never heard of Poop Shoes. Apparently I have been out of the “office culture” loop for too long!
the pair of shoes you put on when taking a dump at the office, so no one can identify you under the stall.
matt: who blew up the handicap stall on 5, bro?
rey: it was me, bro!
matt: nah, dude was wearing neon dunks, bro.
rey: yo! them’s my poop shoes, bro!
matt and rey: ahhhhhhhhhh. yea, bro!
by pied pooper July 19, 2011
Apparently this Poop shoe thing is a big deal and may in fact have been stared by the great one herself Oprah Winfrey!
Oprah Winfrey > Quotes > Quotable Quote
“I have a special pair of poop shoes under my desk. Whenever I need to drop a deuce, I slip them on and scurry to the restroom, and no one ever knows it’s me. Like, if I’m wearing Louboutins that day, and my producer sees Earth shoes in the stall….well, you get the idea. It was truly a lightbulb moment when that came to me.”
― Oprah Winfrey
It got me wondering how many people actually do this? What kind of shoes do they use? How often do they switch out their poop shoes? Are they nice shoes or “shitty ones” excuse the pun?
I can imagine women everywhere sneaking their Poop Shoes into their purse, clenching their butt cheeks and taking quick but careful steps to the bathroom to release the Poop Storm!
In defence of Poop Shoe users everywhere when I worked at the Soccer Centre I had about 30 bathrooms to choose from so it wasn’t necessary for anyone to know how regular my bowel movements were or were not! I always had extra shoes in my office though, for whatever need might arise so had I needed them I would have been covered.
Always looking for the perfect get rich quick scheme I decided to market my own line of “Poop Shoes”
“C’mon ladies, Jimmy Poo shoe Party Anyone?”
“If you feel a rainstorm coming on you grab an umbrella, if you feel a shit-storm coming on you grab your poop shoes” -Michelle DeBay
An exhortation to be calm and take things in stride – akin to “get a grip” or “chill”.
E.G. Well, the Republicans won the Presidency again, but shit no bricks, my fellow Americans, Socialism is on its way.
Staycation is making me boring, unable to form strong convictions about anything that lasts for more than a fleeting moment and then I am on to the next thing. Things that would regularly annoy me bring little more than a half-hearted sign and things that would normally excite me perhaps a half-smile at best.
Admittedly I am a Facebook user. In fact I use a lot of social media and probably spend a little too much time on my phone flipping through them. I do enjoy keeping up with you and knowing that you are doing well, I am happy when your kids win a game or an award or your significant other brought you flowers. I even OCCASIONALLY think that the picture you took of your lunch looks tasty. I often read the stories you share but though I like to know what is going on in the world I can only handle so much bad. I am the kind of person that can get buried pretty quickly in fear and disillusionment so I prefer your stories of the good that happens in the world, look around you, there is still beauty and goodness all around us. It is all in what we choose to see.
One thing is certain though FACEBOOK has turned us into a bunch of pansy assed passive aggressive whiners!! Now I don’t mean all of you but truthfully you all have that friend that posts the vague status update designed to make their friends ask “Are you alright? to which they reply “I don’t want to talk about it” if they reply at all. YOU FAIL AT FACEBOOK. You should use the phone a friend (or therapist) option.
What about the one who posts statuses complaining about their relationship daily and complaining they are done. Five minutes later they are taking selfies with the hastag #loveofmylife! You can delete the bad things you say from your timeline but you cannot erase it from our minds. You become “that friend”! The one who likes to complain for attention. Find another hobby. If I told Facebook every time my husband pissed me off I hope someone would tell me to grow up. I feel it would be hugely disrespectful to both of us and our relationship.
It is your Facebook though and you can say and do what you want. That is all I have to say about that!
My Take on the Phil Robertson Scandal.
I never caught onto the Duck Dynasty craze as quickly as everyone else but after everyone started talking about it I admit I watched a Marathon on A&E one day and I laughed. My take on the Phil Robertson scandal is really that I don’t have a strong opinion on it either way. For one, I think they are Phil’s opinions as a Redneck Louisiana Christian and his interpretation of the bible. Being as that he is on a reality show and as such keeping it “real” shouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing. On the other hand he does represent the A&E Network and they have every right to decide how his “opinions” affect their branding and if they want to continue their association with him. I think the Duck Dynasty franchise would suffer greatly without Phil though and I admit that I probably interpreted his comments much differently then some of you. I don’t think he was comparing homosexuality to bestiality, I think he was naming sins and those were among them. In his thinking both are sins, not one better or worse than the other…just illogical sins. He also didn’t speak for all Christians, he spoke for himself. I dare say that many Christians would have a similar opinion and some would vary greatly. Perhaps on a different day I would feel differently but today I feel that his opinion doesn’t affect my life and you could say “Why should it? you are clearly not a homosexual!” and you would be correct. However if I am happy with my life and feel like I am living it well and not hurting anyone why would a stranger on TV’s opinion matter to me? I know many happy, well-adjusted Gay and lesbian couples and I am fairly certain that they are enjoying their Saturday night with very little concern for how Phil Robertson views their relationship. I think Katy Perry and John Mayer say it best….”You love who you love….”
OK that will probably get me hate mail but it is just the way I feel….right now at this moment. I was reading some threads on the subject and interestingly Heterosexuals seemed to be very up in arms about it and Homosexuals seemed to take it in stride, even making jokes. Now if Phil Robertson was Jesus Christ almighty or the president or a lawmaker then I would definitely have a stronger opinion but let’s face it he is a god-fearing Louisiana Redneck with an opinion, that is all!
I believe in God. I believe the Bible is years of interpretation (and often misinterpretation) I do not believe Homosexuals are going to hell. I actually give very little thought to hell unless it pertains to people who commit crimes against children and humanity, unspeakable crimes. Homosexuality in my mind is not a crime. I could go on and piss a lot more people off but the truth is my opinion shouldn’t matter to anyone but me and anytime you put God and homosexual in the same sentence you are bound to stir up a heated shit-storm so I am going to back away gracefully! Every one has the right to love and be loved. Love yourself, love god, live a good life and forgive those who do not understand.
I need to get my nine-year old away from the TV. She is watching Dance Moms and it is a terrible show, it will fry her brain. My opinions are my own.
I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas and rang in a rockin New Year with those you love. My Christmas was very quiet, spent just with family. I had a couple of moments where I was very homesick for our family and friends in Nova Scotia, especially upon hearing some bad news from home but when I take a second to reflect I am always reminded of how incredibly blessed I am.
I have been absentee on here throughout the holidays to give my family my full attention. We have basically been hibernating. Late nights, late mornings, lots of movies, board games, card games. A whole bunch of togetherness!! Just the act of providing my family with three meals a day, cleaning up after those meals and laundering my families clothes seems to take up a great deal of time. The sleeping in may sound blissful but truthfully I am just trying desperately to sneak some shut eye in in between fighting for blankets and bed space. With hubby working away most of the time we are both very used to sleeping on our own. Most of the year we spend four solid days together at best and then he is gone for ten. Both of us are very used to our own space. I feel I adapt fairly well and respectfully to the addition of the extra body in my bed but it has been over three weeks now and in the wee hours of the morning while the moon hung low and the sun had not yet kissed the winter sky I woke to shots in the rib. I have no idea what my husband was dreaming of but he was lightly punching me in the ribs. I managed to roll him over but woke awhile later to an elbow in my face. He was spread eagled with his arms behind his head like he was lazily tanning on a beach hammock. He looked so adorably relaxed I settled myself onto a very small fraction of the bed, hugging the side so that I didn’t fall off. I dozed off once again and woke freezing. Hubby had all of the blankets wrapped around him tight and was snuggled in like a mummy. This is how I have been sleeping for weeks, here and there!
I came down the stairs to make coffee the other morning and found soil from my Mandevilla Vine all over the floor. It has started to dry up recently and I caught my cat in getting in it one day right in front of me. Today after seeing the soil all over the floor I inspected the plant to find that my cat has been using it as her personal potty. Unwilling to give up on a living thing I cut out the roots, disposed of the soil and I am soaking the roots to see if I can salvage them! My family thinks I am crazy. On top of this my allergic reactions to my cat are getting more severe so in turn she takes every opportunity to rub up against me and wrap herself around my neck with no regard to my swelled up eyes and congestion.
Our 9 year old Haley has been having Crazy eight tournaments with us in the garage. Her and I can not seem to win but if the mood strikes us we will keep playing till 4 am….NEVER GIVE UP!! I have great memories of playing cards with my parents growing up and I want to share that with my children but so far only Haley is interested. Morgan is fourteen so therefore not very interested in us at all!
We even did some Telus Christmas karaoke over the Holidays. I learned that after a couple of glasses of red wine I can do a pretty good rendition of Patsy Cline. Please note my standards are low and I am tone deaf.
As you can see nothing too exciting is happening and my brain is mash potato mush. I wanted to thank all of you for continuing to stop by during my hiatus and when my Staycation is over I will be back, I promise.
I figure by now most of you have sobered up and decided that your New Years resolutions were little more then drunk talk. I was stone cold sober on NYE so therefore I didn’t make a bunch of grand New Years resolutions. Too much pressure 😉
I am just going to fly by the seat of my pants. Welcome 2014, let’s have a fantastic year together!
My cat Aulie is over nine years old. We named her Aulie because my husband picked her up on the side of the Highway when she was just a wee kitten in a place called Aulac, New Brunswick. I didn’t consider myself much of a cat person but my youngest Haley was just a baby when Kirk called to say he had rescued this kitten someone had thrown out of a moving vehicle. She was much too young to be taken from her mother but I guess the disgusting people that disposed of her like she was yesterdays trash didn’t much care.
My husband stopped the truck and trailers he was hauling, a set of Seaboard B-trains loaded with fuel and ran down the dark highway to scoop up the wounded, scared kitten. Although she was tiny and her face was beat up she was a beautiful kitten and he loved her instantly. She didn’t share the same sentiment.
We had Aulie vet checked and got the OK to bring her home to be part of our family. She chose me as her human and likes to shower me with attention. Aulie will on occasion warm to Kirk and the girls, mostly when she is hungry or just in the mood but generally she reserves all of her attention for me.
The problem is she does not like to be held or cuddled. She will lay on me and play with my hair or bang her head into my hands to force me to pet her but she does not like to be held. It’s weird, I always thought it had something to do with her early separation from her mother but some days I just think she is a jerk. She is controlling and likes that our relationship be on her terms only. She often sleeps with me when my husband is away working, sometimes she cannot get close enough to me but I cannot put her in my arms. I have often woke to find her watching me. It’s a little creepy but since I am her human I guess it’s normal…right??
A couple of days ago she got quite annoyed with me because I tried to cuddle her. The nerve of me, she stormed away all sullen and bitchy feline like. She also found a new “human” though it is not human at all. I think she truly feels that my Halloween Skello is her mama. She cuddles into her at every opportunity. I want to put Skello away till next year but I just cannot bare to break Aulie’s heart. If she is not eating or doing her lady business she is cuddling with Skello.
It really is the perfect relationship. She can get as close as she wants and Skello doesn’t try to hold or hinder her. Skello is there when she wants and never leaves. Right now she is cuddled up and as content as can be. I think Aulie has found her happy place. It looks like Skello is getting a Santa hat and sticking around!
I remember a day not very long ago that my goal was to get to 5000 views on my blog. After 5000 I wanted to get to 7000….it is good to have goals right?!
I used to blog everyday but I am spending time writing a book, a project I started long ago and never had the courage to finish. I don’t want to force out a post everyday writing about my problems and posting pictures of my breakfast so I have gone down to posting about once a week (or less…shrugs sheepishly!”)
So without any fanfare, confetti, sparkling lights or applause, this weekend I am proud to say that I surpassed 10, 000 views on my blog. It is a milestone for me and I want to thank each and every one of you who have taken the time to visit my blog, to comment, to retweet me @ 1000acreheart, to follow me on instagram @ michd74.
I started my blog as an outlet to talk about having a child at the tender age of 16 and giving him up for adoption. The loss and heartache I suffered and the great joy it brought to my life to be reunited with him many years later. As much as it was an outlet for me to explore my feelings and to offer myself closure and forgiveness I was hoping that maybe I could help someone else who was maybe struggling with the same feelings or decisions. The feedback I got has been nothing short of amazing. I learned a lot about myself on this journey and I learned that everyone has a remarkable story to tell. Sometimes our weakness lies not in having fears but in admitting that we are scared or hurting and taking the necessary steps to fix ourselves. For me it was simply acceptance. Accepting that I was exactly where I was supposed to be and though I couldn’t change the past I needed to be grateful and excited for the present and very enthusiastic about the future. I have every reason to be. If you are interested and have not read the Thousand Acre Heart Series starts HERE
The way my blog has connected me to people all over the world, funny, smart, intriguing people has been such a pleasure. I really do get joy from talking to you, reading about you and I love it when you leave comments. Comments are validating for a writer, or at least they are for me. Perhaps that makes me a NEEDY writer. I have enjoyed writing about my experiences as a mother, a wife and a friend. Being honest, funny and daring. Being myself entirely. I also have enjoyed your feedback on my fictitious works!
I am getting closer and closer to the big 4-0 everyday (January 15 if you want to send presents) and in that time I have gained some wisdom that I would like to share with you today in celebration of over 10, 000 views in over 55 countries.
1. You can’t have a rational argument with a teenager, they know everything and you are stupid. The only thing you can hope for is that one day they will have their own ungrateful, entitled know-it-all’s and maybe they will feel so bad that they will get you really good Christmas presents.
2. There is a reason why an Esthetician exists. Have you ever had a Brazilian wax? Perhaps you just wanted to surprise your husband on his 40th Birthday which also happened to be Halloween so you were pressed for time!! Ladies’ in the house I am holding up the proverbial Stop sign!! Waxing your feminine fun parts is a delicate matter that should not be done in hurry. If I were to make a video about this experience it would star Sweet Brown saying “Oh Lord it’s a fire!”
3. In reference to the above, don’t spend hours in Hallmark looking for the perfect card for your guy. They don’t care. If you are going to spend time anywhere contemplating what to get your special someone make it the liquor store or adult superstore. They want booze and sex that they don’t have to work for…the dirtier the better.
4. Your mother really did know everything! Isn’t that a kick in the pants?You should have listened!!
5. Do you crave a good argument? Don’t be so concerned with getting the last word. Sometimes we get so focused on winning the argument that we say stupid shit we can’t take back. Sometimes silence really is golden.
6. If you think you are punishing your guy with the silent treatment, think again!!
7. If you spend all of your time looking forward or back you will lose sight of everything in front of you. You can’t store sleep, time, yesterday or tomorrows. Say it now, do it now, live today!
8. Tomatoes are good and good for you. I really just don’t get people who don’t like tomatoes.
9. If you want to be that annoying person don’t change the toilet paper roll when it’s empty. (FUCKER)
10. You’re Shit stinks, I don’t care who you are! Everybody shits and everybody stinks!
Words of wisdom for your Monday night. Thanks for coming by, I hope you come back soon.
I have been feeling so uninspired lately. For those of you who follow my blog you can tell because I have been absent. I went on a couple of quick back to back trips so I originally blamed it on being busy but even when things went back to normal I found I was sitting in front of my computer trying to force myself to write. I guess you could call it writer’s block…I was feeling insipid and the more I tried to write the worse it became.
This morning I had a great workout and then met a friend for brunch. I decided maybe I needed a change of atmosphere so I went to the local library. In front of the library someone had written in chalk “The Public Library is the University of the People” That immediately made me smile. People from all walks of life go to the library. I love the library, I love books, I love the big wooden tables overlooking the lake. I loved that there wasn’t any laundry to do, dishes to wash or floors to mop.
I looked around at the people and silently wondered what they were all working on, some were on laptops like me, others were reading, and some were studying. A man caught my eye. Actually a woman caught my eye and she was curling up her nose at the sight of this man. My first thought was that the man was homeless. He had unkempt hair and a very long beard and appeared to be travelling with a lot of bags. He thumbed intently through the shelves of books, wide-eyed as a kid in a candy store. Although the lady with the curled up nose appeared unimpressed I was fascinated. So many people, so many walks of life but this particular man captured my attention. He seemed enthralled by the selection of books at his fingertips. I wondered would he choose a mystery, a documentary perhaps or was he doing research? I thought of the sign written in chalk on the pavement walking in “The public library is the University of the People” I smiled. If he was indeed homeless I am not sure what paths in life led him to that place but I am glad that a path led him to the public library. He wasn’t a man on the street begging for money or my judgment, he was a man searching for a passion, an escape, and maybe characters to enthrall him and take him to different lands he may never find the opportunity to visit. The public library didn’t belong to me or the lady with the curled up nose, it belongs to all of us; the people.
I often get approached by homeless people and though every encounter is different they always make me think,
“How did you get here?”
I believe a lot of them are not so different then you and I. I have made bad choices in my life, none of us are exempt from that. Did a choice or a succession of choices lead to a situation that was so overwhelming and beyond their control that they couldn’t find their way back? Was it an illness, a death, an addiction, a tragedy?
I am not going to pretend to have heart and sympathy for everyone who has crossed my path, I am no saint, but I do believe that everyone has a story, like characters in a book. It is so easy to sit back and be a critic but you can’t judge a person by their appearance anymore then you can judge a book by its cover. All of us are just characters in the book of life, all of us faced everyday with good, with evil, with conflict and choices.
I started writing a book almost ten years ago. I had faced some very difficult marital problems and in writing I found a creative outlet that allowed me to escape from my own problems. I fashioned characters in my head and penned them to paper. I literally penned them (I didn’t have a computer ten years ago). For a while the characters were like family to me. I felt their joy and their pain. At some point, maybe as I began to heal I put the characters on a shelf but they were still very much alive in my head. They were like family to me, I didn’t see them every day but they were always in my heart.
Recently I was thinking of the characters a lot and I looked through my garage until I found a bin of crumpled, handwritten words, lives that I had created and woven together many years ago. It was like being reunited with old friends. These characters faced pain and decisions and they made mistakes. If you drew the wrong page out of the book, without knowing the whole story maybe you would hate the characters, maybe you would think they were hateful, shallow or foul. However, maybe if you read the whole story you would fall in love with them, you would forgive them their missteps and cheer for them. You would long to help set them on the right path because you had faith in them.
When I first found the basket of crumpled papers I became obsessed with finishing the story. At a certain point I became overwhelmed. Years had changed me and the way I think and feel and some of the plot that was in my head was arduous to put onto paper. I had a beginning, a middle and an end but drawing a straight line and connecting that all became so overwhelming that I took something I loved and turned it into a chore instead of a passion.
I would think to a person who has been knocked down in life and experienced rock bottom it must be a very overwhelming place to be and to navigate your way back up. I am sure at some point they saw their way out, could see a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe the path was too rocky, too overwhelming. We will never know just by looking at them and turning up our nose. Could a smile or a kindness make a difference? I believe it can.
I smiled at the man and sat down with my coffee. I decided that along with my change of scenery I needed to change my direction. My problem is I couldn’t write in a straight line from beginning to end and maybe that is OK.
On this beautiful fall day I wrote the last chapter of my book. The middle may remain unwritten but that is fine. I wrote an ending that was eloquent and heartwarming. I brought people to life and I will bring them full circle. I even cried reading what I wrote (I am a sap)
One day I hope to share the whole story with you, until then I will take each day one day at a time.
Share your smiles today, someone needs one more than you know
I was sifting through photos on my phone and realized that three times since Labor Day I have worn white. Not just a little white, white from head to toe. In my defense until today the weather in Edmonton has been in the high twenties so it has been difficult to accept that summer is over. Anyways, I am not sure who I am to apologize for this fashion faux pas but here it is my sincerest apologies. I hope that my oversight can be overlooked.
Now that that is out of the way….I am supposed to be starting a Time Management course but alas I will do anything to waste time and I am at my daughter’s Voice lesson with no Wi-Fi. So there!
I had mentioned in my Hole in the World post last week (if you haven’t read you can read HERE) that most of my life could be described in an Eagles song, whose couldn’t really? Always up to the challenge I drew some random Eagles songs out of a hat and I am going to type the first thing that comes to mind.
The Long Run– I hate to run out of toilet paper. It’s one of those things that I don’t like to even get close to running out of. I can let the milk run out, but not the toilet paper. It stems from having roommates throughout the years that NEVER EVER bought toilet paper and if I went away for a couple of days I would inevitably come back to NO toilet paper. I always wish there was a “Long run” of toilet paper, the roll never emptied, it would never run out!
Victim of Love-We have all been a Victim of Love at one time (or several). I became a victim when I was about 12 weeks pregnant with Morgan. I started to turn my nose at things that I once loved. Friday night Nacho night was banished from our house altogether and smells that once soothed me made my stomach sour. I can’t remember how it happened but I fell hard and fast. The object of my affection was Heavenly Hash Ice Cream with sliced up bananas. Yummm. Calcium and potassium. Our food affair continued every night until after Morgan’s birth and then eventually fizzled.
After the Thrill Is Gone-As you can see from above the delectable affair fizzled, “After the thrill was gone” the affects were lasting. They lasted on my stomach, ass and thighs.
I Can’t Tell You Why-There are lots of things about me that I would like to examine but I just “Can’t tell You Why”. Why do I cry at sad movies, why do I cry at happy endings, why do I panic when approaching a traffic circle, why do I dream that I am a CIA agent and then wake up exhausted with bruises? Why do I still have a sooky blanket? I Can’t Tell You Why!
Wasted Time-Nobody knows how to waste time like me but “sometimes wasted time can be time well wasted” If I enjoyed it was it really “Wasted Time”?
Take it to the Limit-I got my first credit card at 19. I had it for quite a while before I used it. I thought it was a good idea to keep a hold of it for emergencies. One day Visa called and asked me if there was a problem with my card. I explained that I was just saving it for emergencies. The lady on the other end of the phone seemed mystified, maybe even a little offended. I waited for two days and then started spending. I decided to “Take it to the Limit”.
Busy Being Fabulous-This is the reason why I have trouble managing my time “I’m just too busy being fabulous!”
New Kid In Town-I have been the New Kid in Town. It can be exciting and scary. It is what it is. When I was in grade three I moved and started a new school. There were already two Michelle’s in my class so the teacher decided to call me by my middle name which is Anne. I hated it, I was Michelle, not Anne. I felt so out of place and I was miserable. I didn’t tell my mom so she wasn’t aware for several weeks until the teacher called because I had locked myself in the class washroom crying.
Get Over it– Marital advice “Get over it” I wish I had had this advice years ago during the early years of my marriage. I spent so much time holding onto hurt and anger that I never allowed myself a lot of room to be happy. If you want to be happy “Get Over it or Get out!”
Tequila Sunrise-Who hasn’t seen one of these? I was about 20. I lived in London, Ontario and I was crazy about this guy I was dating. My friend and I joined him at a hotel bar one night where his friend was bartending. Someone mentioned tequila and I was game. We started with shots and then his bartender friend just started free pouring cups full. That is really all I remember except for waking up in my shower in the wee morning hours. Tequila makes me feel dirty! Our romance eventually faded away but we would always have “Cuervo Gold”