Expectations – Dancing in the rain!

This is 40…almost

January 3, 2014January 3, 2014 michd744 Comments

I am almost there. Twelve days and I will be the BIG 4-0. I am not sure what is so big about it but apparently it is a big milestone. My Mom always told me how quick the time would go and as usual she was right! There are several things I intended to do by forty but life got in the way. I decided to make a list of 40 things I intended to do by the time I was forty but haven’t quite gotten around too….YET

1. Write a book (two in the works) It takes lots of time to sift through the swamp of shit in your head to find the scraps of pure gold!

2. Be a C.I.A. Agent. This is one of my most elaborate fantasies. I wanted to be a spy like Jennifer Garner in Alias. It is possible I may actually be a spy because sometimes I think I am dreaming about being a spy and I wake exhausted with unexplained bruises. I hope I am working for the good guys!

3. Take my mom to Graceland (sorry Mom) There was this show when I was young, I think it was called Dreams Come True. I wrote a letter hoping that they would send my parents to Graceland…No Dice!

4. Marry Jon Bon Jovi, admittedly this one was a longshot!

5. Be rich. I am not rich in the way I had planned in actual dollars but I am extremely wealthy in other ways!

6. Went on a Wine Country Tour unless you include the extensive wine section at Liquor Depot.

7. Visited Greece.

8. Visited Ireland.

9. Swam with Dolphins

10. Had a tequila party that I remembered!

11. Rang the mission bell at Hotel California

12. Had beers with Sean Connery

13. Learned to like shrimp eww

14. Drank Crystal from the bottle (or at all)

15. Had an Alien encounter.

16. Completed a thousand pc puzzle without swearing and throwing it in the garbage!

17. Watched E.T. This is just shameless and I really need to do this!

18. Made lemonade out of the lemons life sometimes gives me!

19. Gone to the pizza store to order delivery and get a free ride back to my house!

20. Bought a chocolate fountain.

21. Go out Walkin After Midnight singing Patsy Cline at the top of my lungs!

22. Door to door Christmas Carolling (except my own house)

23. Rock and Roll all night and Party Every day. (THIS IS A BOLD FACED LIE)

24. Prove my Royal Ancestry

25. Befriend the annoying Philly Cream Cheese lady who floats on clouds.

26. Give my bologna a last name.

27. Get myself a mascot called Babs the monkey

28. Played ring around the rosie while I had a pocket full of posies.

29. Given myself a really cool nickname.

30. Gave my arm and leg for something I really wanted.

31. Poked a needle in my eye for lying.

32. Made a mountain out of a mole hill.

33. Learned to fly…cause I ain’t got wings.

34. Dancing on the ceiling!

35. Made my own wine (could be dangerous).

36. Gotten myself caught between the moon and New York City…I know it’s crazy but it’s true!

37. Order and wear a cape that says
“Magnificent One!”

38. Skipped the light fantastic.

39. Wang Chung. (Tonight or any other night)

40. Used the algebra that was so important for me to learn in my daily life.

Ok I started out strong but forty is a lot of things and along the way I started to struggle. Not because there are not a million things I planned to do before 40 but as I was thinking about it they all seemed unimportant compared to what I have done. Being a mom, a wife, reuniting with my son just seems to Trump every “What if”

I can still learn the Argentine Tango in Argentina, I can still pack up my family and move to a simpler life and live off the land, I can still contemplate life along the Cliffs of Moher.

The important thing is that I am happy and I don’t feel that I missed out on anything. I know the best is yet to come! I don’t think of forty as ancient, as the end of the road. I prefer to think of it as a beginning, a right of passage.

I will still see new things with the grace of a child but will embrace hardships with the maturity of a woman.

The end of one journey signifies the beginning of another. “Goodbye Dirty Thirties. We were great friends but I am going to go my own way now. Naughty at forty? Sounds to me that forties is a time to do what makes you happy. No apologies, no regrets”

Come along for the ride!

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Game Called life

August 18, 2013April 20, 2016 michd7433 Comments

I had one of those days. Not only am I sick to death of Miley videos, jokes, references, tweets, and innuendo, as well as devastated by the events happening in Syria I have had my own personal struggles in the form of a hormonal teenage daughter, a truck that won’t start and a husband that is hours away for the next ten days. All things considered I know that I have it so much better than a lot of people. My husband may be away but he offered to drive home to my rescue. For those of you who know me, you are aware that as much as I may think I want to be rescued it would make me feel weak and needy. I have the most wonderful friends that jumped at the chance to come to my rescue and gave me something I didn’t even know I needed. A moment to breathe, to laugh, to share a glass of wine with friends. A moment to feel like it was OK to be something other then a wife and a mother. Sometimes I need to just be me. Also, my teenage daughter really is amazing. However, she is sometimes an emotional ball of hormones that she doesn’t quite know how to handle and we are trying so hard to navigate a neatly painted line somewhere in-between crying and screaming. I am trying hard to raise a smart, capable and accountable young lady in a world full of entitled youth of Generation “I”

Recently I have been faced with that all too familiar struggle of trying to split 200% of myself between all the things that matter in my life. When one thing requires more attention I seem to lose my balance and the balls I am juggling come crashing down. I stand tall against whatever I am faced with in life but sometimes I feel like I am inevitably going to fall.

I know that a lot of people feel how I am feeling right now. Wondering how they can be everything they need to be to the people in their lives and still have enough left over for themselves. I know how important it is to take time for myself. If I were to give advice to any of my friends I would most definitely tell them that they are the most important person in their lives and they need to make the time for themselves. Giving advice is always the easy part.

It has been fifteen months since I quit my job to stay at home. My biggest fear was losing myself, being insignificant and dependent. I think my family has absolutely benefited from me being home but often I feel I am spending way too much time trying to convince them that I am not a maid. I am an involved parent, sometimes to the point that I am not the wife I would like to be or a good friend to myself. I am still figuring it all out. I don’t strive for perfection, just quiet imperfection and happiness. I pray sometimes and I still wish on stars.

My goal is laugh more, to steal time for myself to do the things that are important to me, to say no to things that I don’t have time for and that add stress that I don’t need. I want to experience the moment without worry or anticipation of the next. I want to be present and accounted for in my own life. I want to learn from my mistakes without holding myself in constant judgment. I want to expect less of people but quietly encourage more. I want to abandon the idea of who I think I should be and be the person I know I can be. I want to love more, and forgive things that weigh me down.

Here I go….wish me luck as I continue to play my hand at this game called life!

P.S. I also need to make more time for wine!!

Game Called Life (The Big C Main Title) by Leftover Cuties

It’s so hard to turn your life over
Step out of your comfort zone
It’s so hard to choose one direction
When your future is unknown
Is this some kind of a joke, will someone wake me up soon?
And tell me this was just a game we played, called life.
Are we, are we all really slaves?
By the hands of ourselves
id I really make all of those mistakes?
Am I really getting older?Then why do I feel so lost?
Is this some kind of a joke, will someone wake me up soon?
And tell me this was just a game we played, called life.
And at the end of the road, is there someone waiting?
Do I get a medal for surviving this long?
Is this some kind of a joke, will someone wake me up soon?
And tell me this was just a game we played, called life.
Is this some kind of a joke, will someone wake me up soon?
And tell me this was just a game we played, called life.

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Expectant

July 18, 2013July 18, 2013 michd747 Comments

Daily Prompt: Flip Flop

Posted by michelle w.Think of a topic or issue about which you’ve switched your opinion. Why the change? Photographers, artists, poets: show us TRANSITION.

“I would rather be pleasantly surprised then fatally disappointed”

Julia Glass

This is a little tough because being a woman it’s my prerogative to change my mind and often so the gears in my brain are shifting rapidly through the brain files trying to find a suitable answer.

A topic I have struggled with greatly is “Expectations”

I don’t feel I have unreal expectations for people. I expect that people will try to do their best and be accountable to their roles and for their actions. I expect that people will do as they say they are going to do and keep their promises. I expect that if a situation arises that makes it impossible for them to fulfill a duty that they will make a reasonable effort to cover it. I expect that these “situations” will not arise frequently.
I expect that this is not to much to expect but I am wrong. When I place expectations on people I am continually disappointed.

I have decided that I am accountable only for my own actions and to fulfill my own roles. I am desperately trying not to place expectations on people. If I don’t expect you will and you don’t then I am not disappointed. That is your cross to bear. Have no fear for when the Zombies come they are looking to “eat brains” You’ll be safe huddled in the corner with all of your broken promises and unfulfilled tasks.

I am learning the word No. It’s a little foreign but I like the way it rolls off my lips. No I cannot do that. No I am sorry I have my own commitments. No you will have to find someone else.
No No No.

So in expecting less I will not end up doing more. I like this concept. Here’s to hoping (but not expecting) that it will work! Taking the leap…