Easy Like Sunday Morning

Photo courtesy of bestappsforkids.com

The day was easy, it must have been Sunday morning or at least it felt like it. Easy Like Sunday Morning. I was around ten at the time and a gregarious and likeable child. I bounded out of my Holly Hobby room in my fuzzy slippers and the tantalizing smell of smoked bacon led me to our small kitchen. I remember that the kitchen appliances were an earthy green color. I remember simply because I like green and this is not relevant to my story whatsoever.

Moving along….
My mother was at the stove turning the bacon while my Dad waited anxiously to steal a cooked piece and excitably told my mother about his wild dream. It seemed silly but what did I know. He turned to me and smiled and said “ooOh Child, things are going to get easier!” I giggled. I thought things were already pretty easy. Besides brushing my teeth and remembering to pick up my dirty socks I didn’t have it so hard. What he said though reminded me of a song my Mom would sing to me. One time I had a horrible ear infection and the pain had me in tears. After giving me my banana flavored penicillin before bed she softly sang that song. My mother was tone deaf and had as much rhythm as our pasty white local librarian singing Abba in the talent competition during spring fling. Being ten though and loving my mother the way I did I felt like every time she opened her mouth it was like angels flew out!

So when my Dad excitably said that to me I knew immediately that something good was about to happen and I was Bustin Out at the seams hoping to get in on the secret before my brothers got up. My youngest brother slept like the dead and the other was at the stage where he spent a lot of time alone in his room with his Bo Derek Poster. My Mother said he was discovering himself, or exploring himself or some shit. I am not sure but his voice was beginning to sound weird and he never seemed to have any clean socks!

“Didn’t I blow your mind this time?” my Dad asked, slapping my Mom lovingly on her ass. It was times like these that I wondered if my mother ever got annoyed by my Dad’s never-ending, gigantic, best one yet plans. She continued to flip bacon and she smiled back at me and winked.

So it was over crisp bacon and scrambled eggs that I learned of our new fate. No more just Stayin Alive my Dad said, it was about time that we started living out our dreams. We were on a Love Rollercoaster and we were Born to run. So here we were, the five of us sitting around that laminate dining table on harvest gold vinyl chairs Reelin In the years.

“Mercy, mercy me!” my Mom exclaimed as my brother squeaked out his approval in a high pitched girly voice.

No more Workin for the man and wondering how you were going to rob Peter to pay Paul when Paul was flat broke. The news was like a Bridge over troubled water.

We were joining the CIRCUS!!

That very day we packed up our favorite things into our Ford Galaxy including my younger brothers sooky blanket, my older brothers Bo Derek Poster and a laundry basket full of dirty socks and of course my way too short draw-string corduroy pants and my most prized possession my glowing personality that would keep us happy for the long ride to the circus, wherever that was.

My Dad had the windows rolled down and he happily sang John Denver tunes as we put miles between us and responsibilities. Occasionally I would take a little break from amusing my family with my cute and wondrous chatter to daydream about what I was going to be in the circus. A Black Magic woman sounded like fun or maybe a Lion Tamer, an Acrobat or a Juggler. I was so excited I near peed my pants.

As we drove Into the Mystic I thought is it “Just My Imagination” because I said it before “Won’t get fooled again” but here we were driving that Ford Galaxy up my grandparents lane as my father sang along with Olivia Newton John on 8 track cassette.

So much for my dreams of being the worlds greatest illusionist, working with some of the most talented but undervalued humans ever. So much for dancing under the harvest moon in my bare feet with all the circus freaks and geeks. Alas though I was happy to hang out with my cousins and hover over the vent in my grandmothers room and spy on the adult conversation in the dining room below and stifle giggles every time my Aunt exclaimed “Good God what did you eat?” as my uncles famous farts escaped him and vibrated off the wood chair. Good times, perhaps it’s own type of circus.

Makes me miss those crazy farting buggers, every one of them.

Deep Fried Brains

It seems everything is reality show these days. I thought it would be a good night to chill and watch TV with the girls. A dating show hosted by Jerry Springer should have told me everything I needed to know but Morgan likes it and sometimes I need to relent. The show is called Baggage and one single man was presented with three single ladies that he might want to date. Each had three suitcases, small, medium and large with the baggage they carry around in their daily lives. One girl lived with her Mom and shared a room with her sister, one had such bad credit she couldn’t get her own apartment and the other owned a copy of every magazine that Tyra Banks was in. You could just feel the awkward discomfort because the guy didn’t want to date any of the women who were proving they were dateworthy by batting their fake eyelashes and shaking their asses. I cannot say I am a better person for having watched this show. During a commercial break an ALL NEW episode of Honey Boo Boo was advertised. I was shocked that this show is still being aired let alone in production. What are we doing to our brains? I am in a Friday funk. I feel I had to at least write something and maybe this admission of my hideous time wasting would somehow redeem me. Live and learn. Yay I am a cliche!!

I think I will eat some pork rinds and watch Jersey Shore reruns while petting kittens and writing poetry. 

Night All

YOU HAVE ISSUES- Top Five Most Bizarre people

My day started with a news feed full of the negative, mindless ramblings of an old acquaintance who is convinced the world is out to get her sits around all day on Facebook fueling and feeding her own drama and misconceptions about what life is, was, should and will be. It certainly got me thinking about the wonderful and positive people that I have in my life and even those who are not so positive, but I love you anyway because I see a spark of hope and hope is fantastic.

I thought of my colorful friends past and present, like Woody Allen written characters, perfectly flawed and real, finding their way through trials and errors in this big bad world. If everyone on my friends list (real and Facebook, Twitter, WordPress etc…) were exactly the same life would exist in one very dull shade. I prefer to live life in BRILLIANT color and therefore I try my best to find a good and common ground with everyone I meet.

I am working extremely hard to become less judgmental, and in doing so I have realized that meeting people from other planets can be as simple as having a conversation with that frazzled bed-headed lady in the fleece Betty Boop pajamas in the slow-moving line at Wal-Mart. Opportunities for growth are all around me, in every pink fuzzy slippered, haphazardly dressed possibly from another dimension person. Tolerance and patience are key. However there are times though when I say “Woaaa, hey, this person is too fucked up for me” Unfollow, unfriend, unlike, whatever it takes to stop the madness.

All things being relative I was thinking of an old friend who considered himself an artist of sorts and used to make pictures with his own blood. That is a little creepy and messed up. So brace yourself because this shit is about to take a weird turn around the cuckoo bush. I found some of the weirdest people I could find and I am going to share them with you. Don’t thank me yet.

1. Jennifer Weigel is an American “multi-disciplinary, mixed media artist” who makes art using her own crimson wave (period blood), urine and toenail clippings. Her previous work consists of pressing her bloody vagina onto watercolour paper, and her most recent piece is a self-portrait painted with her menstrual blood. Ick! (Courtesy of Thought Catalog, Find out more http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/i-make-art-out-of-my-own-period-blood/

2. Kailash Singh, from India is known as the world’s most smelliest man and he has not bathed in over 38 years. Find out more at Oddity Central, http://www.odditycentral.com/news/worlds-smelliest-man-hasnt-bathed-in-38-years.html

3.Everard Cunion , An odd man who couldn’t find a life partner so he married a doll. The fun never stops. Find out more http://www.odditycentral.com/news/man-decides-he-cant-get-a-real-woman-settles-for-realistic-looking-dolls.html

4. Wang Xiaoyu- China’s upside down Kung Fu barber wanted to add some innovation to his list of skills. He cuts hair upside down and can stay that way for up to 20 minutes. Find out more http://english.cctv.com/20090520/110140.shtml

5. Dennis Avner -The Cat Man or his preferred native American name “Stalking Cat” spent a significant amount of money on body modifications to make himself resemble a Tiger. Find out more http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stalking_Cat

SO BIZARRE

The world is but a Merry-Go-Round

What goes up, must come down

People are high, people are low

People are a mess wherever you go

How about a grin. just bare it

You can act or you can sit

Enjoy the ride or

Ride with the tide

You be as crazy as you dare

I’ll be sane but meet you there

I’ll cross my heart, while you hope to die

I will never look you in the eye

In a world that’s odd you’re not so rare

Your mind is like a springtime fair

The joys of a mind forever free

You’ll never be as weird as you wish to be

  Michelle DeBay

Thousand Acre Heart Part 15 -Give Me A Reason

It’s in the stars
It’s been written in the scars on our hearts
We’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

My last post made my husband rather anxious because he very much likes living in the present and I know that revisiting a very difficult time in our lives certainly had the potential to bring up some very unhappy memories and create a lot of angst. I remember that there was a time when I thought that the scars from that time would never I heal, I believed that even though I could hide them they would always be lingering at the surface of my well being ready to open and bleed out all over my life.

I wrote some fairly detailed accounts of the three and a half weeks we were apart. When you say it out loud it seems like a short enough period of time but I can assure you a lifetime of events happened during that time. Not just in the time that we were apart but in the time it took us to truly find our way back. We used to be friends and lovers and now we were suspended in the uncertain place in between, feeling lost and unsure. There was a whole world in between us and if we were truly ready to fight for our marriage we needed to prepare for the fight of our lives.

A lot of my writing is in my drafts folder. I contemplated which parts were really important to this story. To me every little bit of it is important in it’s own way but I decided to save the insane drama for the movie 😉

It goes without saying that we decided to work things out. We absolutely had the best of intentions in wanting to keep our family together and fix our broken marriage but I think both of us were naive with respect to the amount of time, work and patience that would require. Neither of us was ready to be together but the thought of being apart was scarier. I know both of us considered what would happen if we took too long to figure things out and the other moved on. We were having an extremely difficult time fitting into each others present but ultimately we were certain that we belonged in each others future.

During that time I became someone I didn’t recognize. Instead of focusing on what we needed to do to move forward my gears were focused solely on Kirk leaving and how much that hurt me. I was consumed by hurt and anger and for a very long time I refused to let go of any of it. I held unto it the way a child hangs on to their blankie. I thought it protected me. I thought if I protected myself from loving again I would never be hurt. Much later I would learn that the real strength is in allowing yourself to love and be loved.

Eventually we started to make a little progress at least being honest with each other about our fears, insecurities and where we felt we stood. Something about honesty  catapults you into a fearless place of acceptance and allows you to either walk away or move forward. We felt hopeful but I was definitely not ready to live in the moment. I felt a little lost, sometimes like I was on the verge of breaking down.

We had started to go to marriage counselling early on and I loved our therapist. She had been through similar martial problems and her experience was valuable to me.

She had gone back to school when her kids were older and was now running a successful private practice. She recounted to me how hard she worked for it and that her husband, initially proud began to feel lonely and not needed which led to an affair with their riding instructor.

That was so telling for me. Men instinctively want to be needed and depended on. Men often have a hard time with strong, independent women. It is a constant struggle of balance for women to maintain their strength while being just vulnerable enough to allow ourselves to be loved.

We graduated marriage counselling way to soon. We had all the tools and promises to fix us but I was still stuck. I just refused to let go of any of the pain and anger and I tortured myself with it for years. I wasted several years caught up in the blame game. Kirk never ever expected or asked me to be accountable for anything that happened but I think until I did admit to my own part  I was not being honest and I was hurting myself even more then I hurt him. 

A memory that sticks in my head of this time is how I worked 12 hour shifts and I would be driving home and as soon as I would get to the driveway I would get that heavy feeling in my chest. Another uncomfortable night trying to force ourselves to enjoy each others company.

I checked on the kids snug in their beds and busied myself tidying the kitchen. Kirk came upstairs and coaxed me downstairs. He wanted to show me something. I had told him once about this old song my grandmother liked by Don Williams (below), Kirk put the song on and he asked me to dance. I was hesitant at first but he insisted. I wasn’t allowed to talk, just dance. There is something very honest and intimate about dancing in someones arms with no words exchanged. I think more was said between us in those few quiet moments as we looked into each other’s eyes then had been communicated in months. Our eyes both welled up a little, there is no doubt mine started first. It felt like we made a silent promise to each other to try harder.

Late Sunday night  we were sitting in the back of Kirk’s truck listening to 80s tunes on satellite radio, cause we are that cool…and when this subject came up Kirk said how happy he was that we made the right decision all those years ago. I can talk about it all now because I know that the past can’t hurt me. It was a damn long road to happiness and  we earned every single mile. It does however bring me a tear when I think “what if?”