“Tomorrow we die, today we love” ~ Geha Gonthier
I sing out loud even though I am tone deaf.
I speak truth to bullshit.
I compliment people.
In a moment I fear everything yet there are moments that I am fearless.
I love to laugh and I am so sarcastic that sometimes I am not even sure if I am kidding or not.
I keep my circle smaller than ever, not because I am afraid of getting hurt but because I realize that my time is the most valuable currency I have and I only spend it on the right people.
I am very protective of my energy.
Superficial relationships are not for me. I like to get to know the meat and potatoes of a person so if I am intrigued by you I am all in.
Learning to say NO has been life changing for me and every time I want to say No and hesitate, thinking I need to be nice, I end up fucking myself over.
I am emotional. Sometimes I experience all of the emotions in ten minutes. I don’t hide how I feel. If you are in my orbit you know that well.
The last year without my husband has been a journey.
I remember the moment I knew he was gone realizing what a huge responsibility I had in showing our children how to move forward in love and grace.
When tragedy strikes often our instinct is to get very small and quiet. That wasn’t for me. I have learned so much from seeing fabulous people move through their struggles that I believe there is beauty and value in sharing my authentic self and being real about the darkness of grief but also the opportunities that adversity presents to us.
I have spent the last year learning to laugh again and encouraging my children to embrace life and to invest in themselves and fill themselves up with love so that when they share that love with others it is not because they need love, it is because they have so much love to give that it is overflowing.
I am growing into myself, learning to fill my space so to speak and it is not without challenges. Not everyone is interested in knowing themselves as intimately as I know me, accepting the darkness in themselves so they can safely move into the light.
People can only know you, accept you, and love you to the extent that they also know, love and accept themselves and it is not our job to fit ourselves in a box to be enough for people.
You are enough.
Just as you are.
We want to be accepted. We want to be loved. However, part of finding out who we are and expanding and growing into the person we are truly meant to be means that we will not be right for everyone and that is OK.
I truly believe that the people meant to be in our lives will always be there when they are meant to be there. Not everyone is meant to be with us forever. Not everything is permanent.
My son, who is an amazingly kind and old soul said to me that society teaches us to be careful who we love, as if we only have so much love to give but in reality love multiplies love.
The death of my husband taught me so many lessons but there is a quote that I said at his service that will resonate with me forever.
“The only remedy for love is to love more” ~Henry David Thoreau
The only way to have that type of true and unencumbered love is to first give it to yourself. Find you, be you, love you.
People will move in and out of your life, but you will always be there. Spend less time trying to be the person everyone needs and be the person you need. Everything else will eventually fall into place.
Louie Schwartzberg, a nature photographer says “beauty and seduction are nature’s tools for survival, because we will protect what we fall in love with.” Why wouldn’t we fall in love with ourselves first?