Thousand Acre Heart-Part 7

A love too stubborn too die!
A love too stubborn too die!

20 seconds of courage is all it takes to change your life. I wonder if that is how Kirk felt when he walked up to me and said “You know what I like about you? You are always smiling and having fun. I like that!” He was lighting touching my arm in that gesture that keeps you from walking away because I was actually walking by his group and he stopped me. We were at the old Mill in Truro and he was among a group of guys that I knew quite well but I didn’t know much about him. He dated a girl I knew and he was best friends with my ex-boyfriend, a guy that I was crazy about it. We had crossed paths countless times but I would never have described him as a friend or an acquaintance for that matter. In fact, until that moment I hadn’t really considered him much at all. Anytime I had encountered him he seemed rushed and miserable. I paused there suspended in that moment and I smiled at him before joining my friends on the dance floor. Earlier in the evening my friend and I were curled up in our sweats about to order take out and watch a movie but something happened in our twenty-something brains we were certain that if we didn’t go out we would miss something big and perhaps we were right.I recall we had $20 between us including cab fare.

The following weekend I ran into an old friend of my brothers. I hadn’t seen him in years and invited him to stop by for a drink before going out. He came over with a group of his friends, one of them being Kirk.
We all chatted and laughed and picked up my brother and some other friends and headed to the Mill again. At the end of the evening the same group of us headed in my buddy’s old white Chevy van up to Union. I can’t imagine what the reason behind this was. A scenic drive perhaps? I can’t recall if the van broke down, got stuck or ran out of gas. I am pretty safe to say it was one of the three. Either way it was a chilly fall night and we were stuck in the woods in the middle of nowhere. Nobody had cell phones back then and even if we had there were no towers out there.

The excitement of the evening wore off pretty quickly at the thought of us spending the entire night in the cold. I got out of the van to stretch my legs and was face to face with Kirk. We had a huge conversation with our hands in our pockets leaned up against trees. He was at the bitter end of a long relationship and seemed very anxious to talk with someone. He spoke so lovingly about his girlfriend, how she had been his best friend but they were just making each other miserable. They were at the point where they were holding on by threads, the fabric of their relationship had been shredded by years of hurt and anger. I really felt for him talking about it because he truly wanted her to be happy and he clearly knew that they were hanging onto to something that was in shambles. It seemed so ironic to me that we had never had a conversation before. I had dated his best friend and was still crazy about him but he had gotten back together with his ex. We remained close and I was smart enough to know that it wasn’t a healthy relationship for me but sometimes your heart speaks louder then your brain. Kirk saw that in me and think he really wanted to save me from myself.

It got too cold to talk outside and we went back to the van where everyone was was fighting for floor space and body heat. The only unclaimed space was the passenger seat in the van which we shared. Kirk gave me his coat but it wasn’t heavy enough to keep me warm and cuddling would have been inappropriate though it most definitively crossed our minds. I never felt closer to anyone without physically touching. You could have hardly put a thread in the space that divided us but we were conscious not to touch. By the time the dawn broke we were mentally tangled up in each other.

You can’t imagine the moments that will change you forever. I met my best friend that night. I had no idea what that would bring to my life.

It was a sleepless night. One of many Kirk would cause me over the years I’m afraid. When the morning light came we were able to walk to help. We warmed up at a friends Dad’s house that lived up the mountain. In the afternoon his best friend and the ex I was crazy about came to pick him up and drove me home as well. It was an odd drive home. In the presence of him I felt guilty and he was definitely suspicious but nothing had happened or at least nothing to feel bad about.

A short while passed. It could have been a week or a couple of days I am not certain but my phone rang and it was Kirk. It seemed like the most normal thing in the world for him to call me. His voice made me smile.

Things wouldn’t be easy for us from there. Kirk was ending a relationship. I was in an argument with myself because I was trying to convince myself I didn’t want the complication. He called daily for a while and then the phone calls abruptly stopped. Things were still very light, we were just talking as friends but when that stopped I missed it. It was probably for the best  but even still I sat there with my phone one afternoon for three hours picking it up, putting it down, dialing, hanging up….repeat. I missed his voice. I held my breath, dialed and let the phone ring until he picked it up.

I spent a lot of my life running from things I should have faced and running to things I should have run away from. I was always one to say “timing wasn’t right” The timing couldn’t have been more wrong for either of us yet I have never fought harder for anything in my whole life. There is no way I could have known how important that phone call would be. I didn’t know how much we would love and how much we would hate. How much we would struggle to be our own person and then realize that we share a heart. Everyone thinks they have been in love but very few people experience the kind of love that you will suffer for. There are times we didn’t like each other but we still loved, there were times we had to learn to be friends all over again. We have knocked each other down and lifted each other up, suffered each other’s pain and shared in each other’s joy. We have been selfish, impatient and insecure. We have lived, loved, learned, and we have forgiven.

That is the beginning.

To be continued.

This is the song that plays when Kirk calls me.

“The Dolphin’s Cry”

The way you’re bathed in light
reminds me of that night
god laid me down into your rose garden of trust
and I was swept away
with nothin’ left to say
some helpless fool
yeah I was lost in a swoon of peace
you’re all I need to find
so when the time is right
come to me sweetly, come to me
come to me

love will lead us, alright
love will lead us, she will lead us
can you hear the dolphin’s cry?
see the road rise up to meet us
it’s in the air we breathe tonight
love will lead us, she will lead us

oh yeah, we meet again
it’s like we never left
time in between was just a dream
did we leave this place?
this crazy fog surrounds me
you wrap your legs around me
all I can do to try and breathe
let me breathe so that I
so we can go together!

love will lead us, alright
love will lead us, she will lead us
can you hear the dolphin’s cry?
see the road rise up to meet us
it’s in the air we breathe tonight
love will lead us, she will lead us

life is like a shooting star
it don’t matter who you are
if you only run for cover, it’s just a waste of time
we are lost ’til we are found
this phoenix rises up from the ground
and all these wars are over

singin’ la da da, da da da
come to me
singin’ la da da da, da da da
come to me

Yep….me and Ed Kowalczyk of Live!!

Me and ED

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